Insanity

Warning:  Post could be laced with bitterness.  :)

I dated a guy for over a year that loved to say "the definition of insanity is to repeat the same action and expect a different result".  Well this may be true of the dip that bangs his head on a cinder block wall.  But for those who are trying to keep a relationship together or even for the person that aspires to a healthier lifestyle - steady wins the race and you always keep trying to do better.  You keep communicating and you keep trying to do it better.  You keep eating better when you can and exercising when you can in hopes to make a difference.

Repeating these good things is not insanity.  This so called "man" also knew that I had been in a long relationship with someone who always made me doubt my own thinking.  Always wondering if the lies I came across were in my head.  Well, as single as I may be, I know I am  not insane.  According to Websters Dictionary this is really "insanity":

1: a deranged state of the mind usually occurring as a specific disorder (as schizophrenia)

2: such unsoundness of mind or lack of understanding as prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship, status, or transaction or as removes one from criminal or civil responsibility

3a : extreme folly or unreasonableness

  b : something utterly foolish or unreasonable 

 

So for all of you men or women who try to make someone in love with feel like they are crazy and insane, shame on you.  It is abusive to make someone doubt their own thinking when they are only trying to make something work that is noble and in fact a righteous desire if you want to get all religious.  Yes, this makes me angry.  After decades of having men tell you that you aren't okay you can see why this may be a touchy place.

 

Here's the news flash:  people who murder are insane - they don't listen to that voice inside that says this isn't ok or they don't have that voice.  But those people who just go around treated people poorly or who have it in them to make someone feel like they are inconsequential in your life or even in society as a whole then you are just as horrible as the insane person.  You can steal someones sunshine and that is a horrible thing to be guilty of.  No, this doesn't mean you stay in a bad relationship or even one where you know the person isn't for you but why not leave with your dignity and as your final gift, let the person you are letting down leave with their dignity too.  What should it matter to you?  

 

And for that guy who in his own way accused me of his version of "insanity", I just wish I could say "which of us went on and repeated the same mistakes, in the same way?"  And the answer if YOU!  You were hitched again in no time.  You did the same thing you always do and this is your third marriage and your countess relationship.  So thank you to him for keeping me from being in the line up of crazy women you just have to divorce.  No thank you.  Should I ever marry again there will be no end to it in this lifetime.  

 

And for the man who made me doubt my thinking for years - let it be a lesson to you:  you can't live the life a liar and have everything else.  When your lies are more important than the spouse you have a trust that is lost and never to be seen again.  Learn from it so you don't do it again.  Had I been able to respect you we would still be together. 

 

And to the man who may be in my future and for all people out there - handle each other with care.  You don't know what different people are battling in their own minds and if you really care for someone why wouldn't you show it in everything you do.  Why play a game.  Use the corresponding face and words for the corresponding emotion.  It's so fun to know someone is crazy for you.  Who doesn't want to believe that someone wants to talk to you or say hi!  Why can't finding love be wonderful?

Smug Marrieds

Strange title, I know.  I read it in someones Facebook post a bit ago and it got my wheels turning.

I have someone in my life that when they start dating someone new they tend to ignore family and some friends.  It isn't like this person ignores us because they are busy with their own family issues or other pressing matters, this person just lives in their own bubble and we all accept that but none of us likes it.  It isn't that this person is really trying to make the relationship work, this person just turns into a seventh grader.

The post on Facebook that I read was preaching to those who start dating someone new or are in a newer relationship and they stop socializing with friends and family.  While I think moderation is the key to most things in life I also know that new relationships do need a lot of nurturing and the new person in your life needs to know that you are focusing on them and making a great effort.  Most of us that have emotions like someone to dote on us a bit.  I will say that I have known someone so emotionally void that they didn't seem to want or appreciate anyone doting on them.  Moral of that story was that if he accepted your doting he would have had to return it and that was never gonna happen.  But, that's a whole other post so we will move on for now.

Here is the bottom line for me.  You don't have to be a "smug married" person.  But everyone around you should appreciate that if you have gotten to the point that you are married, you choosing to focus on that when necessary (even if that is for a time period that no one else understands) then you need to do what is right for you and your marriage, not for your friends and other people.  You have to live with your choices.  Hopefully those around you love you enough to understand that you aren't being "smug" at all.

I had a girlfriend one night preach to me about the importance of girl's night out and how disgruntled she was about a mutual friend who only did family stuff with her new love and their children.  Well, I understand feeling left behind but we all must grow up and at some point you need to realize that when you are single your friends are your center, that is natural.  But when you fall in love and there are kids involved and you want those kids to be stable, then your friends take a far backseat.  It is not easy finding a balance and it takes some people a long time to get there.  I stink at finding balance in almost every aspect of my life so I know how horrible it can be.

I don't think you need to choose between love and friends but I think that if you want your relationships to last and you want to create a solid family unit then you had better keep your butt at home and do the hard work.  No, it isn't all fun and glamorous - but it is the rewarding part of life and it is worth it.  Also, we all need to realize that our friends and family have different needs than we do and we are each individual.  Just because I may seem like a hermit to you doesn't mean that it is healthier for you to never be okay spending a night at home alone.  It takes all kinds and moderation is the key.  Good luck finding it!

Valentine's Gifts

Just found a great article that is quick to read that gives the low down on what gifts give off what meaning!

http://living.msn.com/love-relationships/love-sex/what-his-valentines-day-gift-says-about-your-relationship-1#1

The Guy That Snapped

Most of the time I have found that anyone who has to tell you how laid back they are all the time (like trying to convince themselves and you) means that they are not so mellow in reality.  This is the case with a certain guy I know.

I had this guy contact me online.  We hit it off in our emails.  We had quite a lot in common, same family values and we were from the same general area so we plenty to visit about.  We emailed and texted for a long time and we had a few phone calls.  That sounds weird but I hate talking on the phone and the first phone call I had with this guy was three hours long and I wasn't inclined to do it again.

At first I communicated with this guy to be polite and then after talking with my mom and sister in law about it I tried to be open to more.  I mean he was pretty stable and it didn't seem like he came to the table with many problems.  I don't need someone perfect, I just don't want some crazy ex who stalks us or other crazy people.

So, I continued to communicate and all was well.  We made some form of contact daily and he was always very nice to me. 

Then I asked if he had to work on a certain holiday and there it went, all that laid back talk left the building.  He said that he did have to work but then he went off on the taxes being taken out of his paycheck.  I get the frustration but it just came out of nowhere and then it didn't stop.  He went on and on about how our government was nothing but a fraud and how they made up stuff about 9/11 and more. 

Now, there was a little bit of truth in what he was saying but he sounded like a total nut job.  I wish I had kept the conversation (text) so that I could post it here.  He just went off on our country and it's leaders and while I don't think they are perfect, I do believe that bitching about it doesn't solve the problem.  You wanna change it then do your part and change it but quit crying.

Anyway, even after I clearly stated that we needed to "agree to disagree" he kept going trying to convert me to his views.  It actually made me mad that someone couldn't just respect me enough to stop.  I don't care if you share my ideas and views but lets not try to convert each other.  Sharing ideas is fun, bashing - not so much!

Luckily, this whole thing died a natural death after that.  It literally caused me to want to disengage in every way.  All the months of kindness and easy going just went out the window when this guy started talking crazy. 

Bottom line - I knew better about online contacts.  I just had this weird feeling that this guy might have been different.  In the end he sure was different, just not in a way I could handle.  :)

Valentine's Day

Confession:  I am a romantic sap to the core.  I still love Valentine's Day and in the fairy tale idea of it.  If you have someone special in your life this is the perfect day to let them know they mean something to you.  There is nothing like seizing the moment and making someone know they were worth going to some trouble.

Here is my one tip:  Don't blow this day!!!!!

And if you happen to blow it or it felt like any other day but you like the person you are dating then do something special for them and ask for a "do over"!  No harm in having another go at it!  And your effort will be appreciated and rewarded!


Whether you go out or stay in I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine's Day!  

Dirty Old Men

I get that old men (you know 35 and up :) ) want a younger woman.  Mind you I think it takes a pretty stupid girl to want an old man.  If there is money to be had then I see that there could be motivation for a certain type of girl but other than that (take all of Hugh Hefner's girls into consideration), what could the appeal be?  Do you really want that dirty old man that has more in common with your dad than with you?

And what about these men?  Would they want their daughters to date dirty old men?  Have they thought about these younger women as being someones daughter and at some point you have to stand in front of her parents like the perv you are?

I'm not just talking about a few years, not even five.  That doesn't bug me.  But if you are 40 or over and you are dating some young thing that graduated from high school after 2000 you need help.  It's just gross.

Then add to the mix that there are probably kids.  Do you really think it is all that great to have your son lust after your girlfriend?  How dirty and gross do you want your kids to feel?  And really should your daughters and your girlfriend have the same Barbie dolls?

I heard a joke once that said "God gave men two heads but only enough blood to use one at a time".  My theory is that gravity becomes an issue and they don't get enough blood to the brain that is on their shoulders.  As a middle aged woman I can understand the sex drive issue more than anyone but I still don't want to date someone who still needs a nap!  A younger guy to me looks like a train wreck!  I don't want to raise another child at this stage.

Bottom line, it won't last.  Few girls are gonna stick with you with your saggy baggy business and your empty retirement wallet.  I'm sure it strokes your ego for as long as she stays but who are you kidding?  You didn't get younger or sexier.  And older man with a younger woman is like a tall fat lady shopping in the petites department at Nordstrom's.  Why don't you shop in your own department? 

Yep, you guessed it, I'm a bit passionate about this one.  Maybe angry because this matter is knocking at my door.  Go ahead and have your fun with the younger thing, have sex with them all for all I care but don't ask my kids to call someone close to their age "mommy" and treat her with respect.   Oh, and don't you ever think that her parents think you are anything but a really dirty old man - cause you aren't. 

Here's the Deal

I have a lot of people ask me what I am or am not looking for a guy.  I kind of know more what I can't deal with at this point and I have some things I think would be nice but I'm not holding my breath.

Here is what counts to me (there is no way I will think of everything here):

• If you ask me on a date - pay.  If I ask you - I pay.  I don't generally choose to spend my money that way and love to cook yummy food so when I ask you over for dinner it isn't for sex, it is really to treat you to a decent dinner.  I am not cheap but in the first two to three months I wanna clearly know that you aren't a penny pincher!  But not every date has to cost you if you are creative.  
• Get to know me.  Don't assume that because I work from home that I don't work just as hard as you.  I am a mom as well as having an actual business life.  I don't sit and eat Doritos all day.  And if you don't have a job I can't take you on.  I think stability is more sexy than abs or trendy clothes.
• If one of us contacts the other in any format, let's answer each other if we are actually interested.  It's exhausting trying to be a mind reader and it is fun and flattering to know that someone wants to hear from you or that you make them smile.  All these rules about how long to wait to respond are so stupid.  Just do it and get it off of your "to do" list!  Geez!  We're not getting any younger!  
• I don't like being texted or called after 10 pm unless we are at a stage where I know you well enough to know you are not just doing the booty call call/text.
• I don't want someone who can't see how soft my heart is and when they do, if it scares them then I am not for them.  I am not a whimp, I hold my own and I am a very strong woman but if you can't just sit there and hold me and be on my side for 10 minutes then you are not for me.
• Laughter is key to most things.  Lost?  Laugh.  Mad?  Laugh.  Having a bad day?  Laugh.  I'm fine with hearing out what has happened to put you in a mood but then let's put it on a shelf if we can and laugh it off so it doesn't steal our moments!  Too much light hearted fun and peace to have!
• If someone doesn't know how I feel for them then I am sorry and would love for them to ask.  If I am interested you in a dating and/or future way I would gladly tell you!  I don't believe in games.  I like people to get to know each other, not spend time decrypting thoughts.
• If you are selfish, must always be right, have no sense of what it really takes to be in a real family, if you can't sacrifice, empathize or see the needs and fill them without me orchestrating it all then you are most likely not going to be happy in this life of mine.  
• I should clarify.  I don't expect a man to come in and be daddy dearest and start doing honey do projects all the time.  I would like it to start with little random sweet things though.  Dating is so much fun if you bother to be thoughtful and take a moment.
• I love thoughtfulness.  Extravagance is nothing to me but the thought is huge.  I love flowers, perfume, most thoughtful things.  Even a cozy sweater.

Most of all I want, to not grow old alone.  I want to please someone and make them feel good about themselves and for them to love our life that we make together.  I would love someone who could come in and like my kids and be able to go with the flow.  I like the idea of family, of being in it together.  I love the idea of weekends away where it is just me and this guy like the only two people on earth.  I am lucky that my life allows that now!

Come camp with me, make love with me under the stars, experience new things together (no, not new STD's lol)

I am not a load of drama but on the off chance that I want to be heard or just need a minute, if you give me five I will be just fine.  To be honest I have very little drama in my life.  And I like it that way.

More than anything in the world, I wanna make you happy.  I take great pride in making another happy and fulfilling their needs.  I can't wait to find someone who will be open enough to let me into their lives at a level that I don't feel like a visitor but like someone they really want there.  :)

This was a rambling!  Thanks for putting up with me!

Hope your weekend is amazing!!!

PS - not proof reading this so I apologize!

What I am sure of.

There are so many articles and books on how to play the dating game.  What if you took this year and stopped playing games all together?

Maybe you would find someone sincere and honest.  Maybe you would know where you each stood with each other and what you meant to each other because you could say it instead of playing the big mind games.

Maybe you would know that someone was excited to hear from you because you allowed yourself to show your excitement by responding sooner rather than later?

I'm not one to throw all caution to the wind with dating but I love where I am with a certain someone in my life because I can tell this guy how I feel and what I think.  It isn't a game at all, it's my life and my happiness and I handle that with care.  It's also his life and his happiness and I should show some respect and not waste his time.

Start fresh this year.  Just be you, let him just be him and enjoy your time together and if you don't enjoy it, it is just fine to tell someone that you need to move along in life.

Have an awesome January!!!