What Do You Miss Exactly?

Earlier this year I moved on from dating a guy that I actually really liked and enjoyed spending time with.  Ran into him the other day at the store and realized I still do like him and that I have actually missed spending time with him.  I enjoyed his company a lot.  I never had bad feelings toward him and was sorry when it felt like he just wasn't into me.  That was the whole reason I moved on.  I didn't want a huge commitment of any kind but I did want to be something a little more than a time filler for him.  Don't we all want to think that we bring a smile to someones face? 

Perhaps it all happened for a reason.  What I do know is that I keep wondering if I did the right thing by breaking things off.  He has never made me think for a second that he misses me or that I added anything great to his days so I guess that is my answer.  The truth stings at times I suppose. 

I hope I have never made anyone feel like they are inconsequential in my life.  It is such an awful feeling to think you didn't matter.  Looking back I wonder if I ever told this guy that he did make me smile and that I really did like his company.  I know I thanked him for his time and all he did for me but that's different from letting someone know it meant a lot to you.  Lesson learned.  I won't make that mistake with anyone else no matter how it all ends.  Sometimes it is nice to just tell someone that you are glad they are there with you.  Who doesn't want to hear that?

Did I mention I had to run into this guy on my ugliest day of the year?  Doesn't that just figure?  :)

Being Pursued vs. Pursuing

Here is the biggest mistake I have made in all relationships I have had.  I never waited for the guy to pursue me!  I was an easy catch because I thought to play games like "hard to get" was stupid and that I was being honest with the guy and myself every time.  It was honest alright!  It was like wearing a banner that said "you don't even have to try, I'm yours". 

Don't mistake this for being easy to get in bed.  I have not typically been slutty.  Just like everyone there are moments in my life that I am not proud of but my norm is very much hard to get into bed but way too emotionally easy.  The guy knew that he had me from the get go because I assumed that since I didn't take his attention for granted, he wouldn't take mine or me for granted.  Such a foolish mistake!

If you are the female and you want a man you need to let him chase you.  Make him pursue you and go to great effort for you.  Not just his time and energy but even a little money.  If you are paying for everything or most things then you better be ready to continue doing so forever because you are setting a standard.  If you are the one going out of your way to see him or always the one traveling to be with him, get a brain.  You will always be the one planning everything and doing all the work to make it happen.  If he gives you reasons why he can't be the one buying, planning or otherwise, be prepared for the EXCUSES to continue. 

You may think that he is worth the effort and maybe for now he is.  But you better be prepared for the resentment that will hit you in the years to come.  Everyone wants to be wooed and wanted.  Everyone is flattered by someone who will plan an evening or go to any expense on their behalf.  Don't be the only one making the effort ladies.  Let the guy do it for quite a while and then in time, reciprocate so he knows you want to give back.  If he doesn't chase you he will chase other things.  Men like the chase, just ask them.  They like seeing if they can get the girl and it is an ego boost if they do.

You need the security of knowing that you didn't just land in his lap.  Let yourself have the blessing of knowing that he really wanted you just that much!  Make him work for you!  You deserve it and he will enjoy spoiling you!

Love vs. Infatuation

Can you tell the difference between "love" and "infatuation"?  We all think we can tell but when you are in the middle of it there is really a skewed perception.

My thought is that we start out infatuated and then it grows deeper.  But if it weren't for that infatuation, none of us would ever say "I do" except if we are just sick of being single and we are settling.

In the movie Someone Like You, Ashley Judd's character reads an article about cows and how a male will not mate with the same female twice no matter how hard they try to get it to.  She compares these males to humans and says that men always want "new cow".  This was a joke in my family but recently I have come to find that it is very true.   I should say that it doesn't just seem to be with men though, it is just an epidemic of stupidity that we all seem to have.  People and love seem to be disposable to most people now.  No wonder people get married and divorced repeatedly.

Infatuation makes you do stupid things, it makes you forget things that matter.  It makes you compromise what you always believed to be true because it feels so strong.  It pulls you in ways you never knew you would go.  The worst thing about it is that it makes you do some shady things while justifying it in your mind because you can't reason well.

Love wants what is best for you.  It makes you a better man or woman, a better parent, a better human in every way.  True love is not selfish at all.  And true love knows that if it isn't right in this time or place, it let's go so that the people can be healthier in the long run, even if it hurts in the moment.

So, if you are infatuated and it is making you be a crappy parent, sibling, friend, child, or employee maybe you should see it for what it is.  It is easy to be infatuated.  We are all flattered by someones attention and time.  A new relationship is exciting but that excitement should not be mistaken for love.  If anything, we owe it to our children (if we have them) to be selective because they are going to be involved and if everyone can't be pretty stable then think twice. 

Dating Questions

While dating is fun, it is also like filling a job position.  You have to find out as much about a person as you can while you enjoy their company.  This doesn't mean that you act as an interrogator so that every conversation is 20 questions.  This does mean that the longer you date the more you should be thinking about this person as a long term fixture in your life (husband).  These apply to men as well.

Having been married for a long time there are a few things that I wish I had known or even asked about way back.  Some of the questions that I have come up were ones I did ask and was glad to know the answers to.  Keep in mind that this isn't all you should know about a person, it is a place to start.  I hope it helps!

1.  Is he close to his mother and keep in touch or do thoughtful things for her?

2.  Does he have an education and career plan in place and is he headed in the right direction?  (I think this should be by 30 but hey, if you want to raise someone go ahead.)

3.  Do you share the same value system or religion?

4.  Do you have the same views on how your children will be raised if you have kids?

5.  Will he/does he earn enough to support you if you choose to not work outside of the home?

6.  Does he show leadership qualities in his personal life?

7.  Does he show initiative and take charge or does he wait around?

8.  What is his arguing style?  Are you both resolution oriented?

9.  Does he have hobbies that you support?

10.  Is he honest in every way with everyone around him including you?

11.  Do you agree on money management issues?

12.  Will he support you in your education and/or career?

13.  Does he take accountability for his part in his past relationship failures?

14. How does he talk about others including his parents and ex?