I came across a quote that I love the other day. It isn't the first time I had read it but this time it really struck a chord. Anne Frank wrote: "I've learned one thing: you only really get to know a person after a fight. Only then can you judge their true character!"
Between my marriage and the relationship I had immediately after I learned the truth of this. I never realized how much fighting meant when I was married. I thought fighting was unhealthy and so I would feel bad when I felt like I was spurring on a fight. In reality there was never any fighting because my husband would never argue back and that was infuriating. It was like something was missing.
Next relationship brings a new chemistry. I felt I had truly met my match because I found someone who spoke their mind immediately and stood up for themselves and their opinions. I loved this and it did cause a lot of sparks. I loved it, he hated it.
Somewhere between the two types of chemistry must be a good fighting experience. I had a counselor tell me that a relationship with no fighting is VERY unhealthy. There will be conflict when two lives merge. People should stay themselves and be okay with that. It is great to disagree. It is how you fight that matters is what I learned.
Back to Anne Frank's great quote - I think she is correct. When you fight do you have someone who makes it all about them if you were the one who brought up a concern? Does the person stand up to you when they have good ideas of their own or do they lack the will to do so? I guess all this goes back to how we watched our parents and others argue or never argue as the case may be.
Moral of this story is that maybe you are long overdue for a healthy fight. One that is stimulating and actually fun! Get your juices flowing and enjoy it!
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Is He/She Right For You?
It's the question that all of us wonder. Is he right for me? Does he love me for the right reasons?
Here are a few thoughts:
1) You may want to ask this person how many people he/she has said "I love you" to in the past 36 months. If it is more than a handful, you have a serial lover on your hands. Some people fall in love with anything that stands still and has a pulse. If you smile at this person they may propose.
2) Has this person been faithful to the very last moment of their marriage? If not, they won't be faithful in yours either. I would like to think that people change but I actually heard a guy who had cheated on his wife say that he couldn't determine if he would cheat again or not. Pretty scary thought.
3) If you think you have fallen in love primarily online then stop it and get a brain. It rarely lasts and you are most likely not that 1% that make it work. I don't care if you know that person from the past, if the bulk of your relationship is email, text or video chat and phone calls, RUN like Forrest Gump!
4) Long distance relationships don't work. Again, there is that 1% that you don't fit in. Believe me, I thought I was in one that would last but alas, NO. I'm no exception and neither are you. *sigh* I remember saying this to my ex before we got married (he was in one). I should have listened to my own advice and he could still make use of it!
5) If something feels off, it is. Trust your gut. It is so much better to be alone than to wind up with the wrong person!!! So often people ignore their guts because they can't stand being alone. Everyone I know has ignored their gut and everyone has been sorry!
6) Ask yourself this: Am I right for him really or am I just stroking his ego? Same for men, turn it around and ask yourself the same thing. A lot of times I find that men will like any woman who will make him feel good about himself. This shouldn't be confused with true love. If you love someone you want what is right for them, even if it isn't you. And guys beware if he looks like something stable. Just cause you want someone to cook for and to make you feel pretty doesn't mean it should be him!
7) Is the person promising the moon but you are waiting for some event to make it possible? Do you have to wait for the person to move, get a job, get divorced, tell their spouse that they are cheating or anything else? If your future is contingent on what might or should happen then it isn't right. If you are meant to be together it will wait. Don't play second fiddle to anything! You shouldn't be the stand by option in any one's life. I had a guy tell me once that he would wait for as long as needed to be with me. Who knew I was in such denial!
8) If you or the other person has children and you don't know those children how do you know that you want them? Children are the greatest indicator of what we truly are in my opinion. If that person has respectful, responsible, good hearted children that welcome you or are at least courteous and kind then you know that this is what you will get if you share a home with the clan. If their kids are always on a cell phone, computer or other gadget or pick their nose at the table you have a lot of that ahead of you! Couples often think that it ends when kids move out or that it doesn't apply to your relationship. I can tell you as a mom that our job is NEVER done. What problems they have at 40 are our problems! If kids are having issues, the new person coming in inherits those issues and will have to deal but not as a full functioning parent but as an outsider. It isn't enough to ask if the parent is ready for a new life with someone - are the kids ready? Because I guarantee it will mess with both of you if everyone is not emotionally stable going into it.
9) Consider birth order of any kids involved. Middle children may not be so affected but I know that my oldest would most likely not want to have his position taken or overruled and my youngest LOVES being the baby. Some kids may embrace the blended aspect of things but I think you need to know all the children involved and I am sorry - they come before you do. If you are a parent it means you had your glory days - it isn't your turn now. Just something to keep in mind. Men, if you choose to start a new family with a new wife then expect for your existing children to feel like they have been replaced.
10) Try to separate what "feels" good and what makes sense. Flattery, companionship, sex, they are all great but they are not all there is to think about. For men I would say stop thinking with your "dumb stick" and think with your bigger brain! Women, you are not exempt especially if middle aged and ready for sex! Stop thinking of what you wish for and start thinking of everyone involved and what works. If it doesn't work and you are making excuses or it is only about your happiness then it isn't going to be a good thing. You are going to hit a rocky road! Just cause it is what you want doesn't mean it is good.
There is no shame in calling things off at any time. We all make mistakes or we may come to new clarity. It's okay to just tell the person that you need to move on. Finding someone right for you is really a numbers game. You are going to have to let go of a lot of people even though loss hurts, but every time you do, you are one step closer to the "right" one.
Here are a few thoughts:
1) You may want to ask this person how many people he/she has said "I love you" to in the past 36 months. If it is more than a handful, you have a serial lover on your hands. Some people fall in love with anything that stands still and has a pulse. If you smile at this person they may propose.
2) Has this person been faithful to the very last moment of their marriage? If not, they won't be faithful in yours either. I would like to think that people change but I actually heard a guy who had cheated on his wife say that he couldn't determine if he would cheat again or not. Pretty scary thought.
3) If you think you have fallen in love primarily online then stop it and get a brain. It rarely lasts and you are most likely not that 1% that make it work. I don't care if you know that person from the past, if the bulk of your relationship is email, text or video chat and phone calls, RUN like Forrest Gump!
4) Long distance relationships don't work. Again, there is that 1% that you don't fit in. Believe me, I thought I was in one that would last but alas, NO. I'm no exception and neither are you. *sigh* I remember saying this to my ex before we got married (he was in one). I should have listened to my own advice and he could still make use of it!
5) If something feels off, it is. Trust your gut. It is so much better to be alone than to wind up with the wrong person!!! So often people ignore their guts because they can't stand being alone. Everyone I know has ignored their gut and everyone has been sorry!
6) Ask yourself this: Am I right for him really or am I just stroking his ego? Same for men, turn it around and ask yourself the same thing. A lot of times I find that men will like any woman who will make him feel good about himself. This shouldn't be confused with true love. If you love someone you want what is right for them, even if it isn't you. And guys beware if he looks like something stable. Just cause you want someone to cook for and to make you feel pretty doesn't mean it should be him!
7) Is the person promising the moon but you are waiting for some event to make it possible? Do you have to wait for the person to move, get a job, get divorced, tell their spouse that they are cheating or anything else? If your future is contingent on what might or should happen then it isn't right. If you are meant to be together it will wait. Don't play second fiddle to anything! You shouldn't be the stand by option in any one's life. I had a guy tell me once that he would wait for as long as needed to be with me. Who knew I was in such denial!
8) If you or the other person has children and you don't know those children how do you know that you want them? Children are the greatest indicator of what we truly are in my opinion. If that person has respectful, responsible, good hearted children that welcome you or are at least courteous and kind then you know that this is what you will get if you share a home with the clan. If their kids are always on a cell phone, computer or other gadget or pick their nose at the table you have a lot of that ahead of you! Couples often think that it ends when kids move out or that it doesn't apply to your relationship. I can tell you as a mom that our job is NEVER done. What problems they have at 40 are our problems! If kids are having issues, the new person coming in inherits those issues and will have to deal but not as a full functioning parent but as an outsider. It isn't enough to ask if the parent is ready for a new life with someone - are the kids ready? Because I guarantee it will mess with both of you if everyone is not emotionally stable going into it.
9) Consider birth order of any kids involved. Middle children may not be so affected but I know that my oldest would most likely not want to have his position taken or overruled and my youngest LOVES being the baby. Some kids may embrace the blended aspect of things but I think you need to know all the children involved and I am sorry - they come before you do. If you are a parent it means you had your glory days - it isn't your turn now. Just something to keep in mind. Men, if you choose to start a new family with a new wife then expect for your existing children to feel like they have been replaced.
10) Try to separate what "feels" good and what makes sense. Flattery, companionship, sex, they are all great but they are not all there is to think about. For men I would say stop thinking with your "dumb stick" and think with your bigger brain! Women, you are not exempt especially if middle aged and ready for sex! Stop thinking of what you wish for and start thinking of everyone involved and what works. If it doesn't work and you are making excuses or it is only about your happiness then it isn't going to be a good thing. You are going to hit a rocky road! Just cause it is what you want doesn't mean it is good.
There is no shame in calling things off at any time. We all make mistakes or we may come to new clarity. It's okay to just tell the person that you need to move on. Finding someone right for you is really a numbers game. You are going to have to let go of a lot of people even though loss hurts, but every time you do, you are one step closer to the "right" one.
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