I was supposed to do some web work for a guy who owns his own business. He opted out of having me do that work but then we became interested in each other so we agreed that we should see where it led. Sounded fine to me but I should have known that something was up because I was supposed to be in dating detox and caved.
In the beginning he was very thoughtful and kind and was always letting me know that he was thinking of me. Then, he didn't do what he said he would. Then, he was more and more busy during the evenings with his kids. He kept telling me he was just really close to his kids and that he tried to spend all the time in the world with them. For about a minute I believed that but then it smelled so fishy I couldn't keep putting on a smile.
Finally he admitted to me that he was married but said that he was separated. I believed this for 24 hours. As those 24 hours went on he was telling me how he would sometimes sleep at his wife's house so the kids had more time with him and how he tried to help them with their homework every single night. He even told me that he was living in a house down the street.
My gut was telling me this is a very married man who is actively married, not just legally wed. So finally, I just hit him with my thoughts. I wasn't trying to be hurtful but I am blunt because I don't think you should waste people's time. Come to find out he was playing house 24/7 and once in a while stayed at a house down the street from him that belongs to his mother-in-law. He claims he was never planning on meeting someone he wanted to be involved with until I came along. He also said it would hurt him too much to lose me.
Well, isn't that just sweet? Can you imagine how his wife would feel if she found out about all this. I found her on Facebook and her profile picture is still a family photo with him in it which tells me he is a slime ball. He claims that everyone who knows him thinks that if you aren't having sex with your spouse you are separated. I am not sure what land he lives in but until you live apart with the intent of becoming divorced - you are not separated. Get a brain! Good grief! On top of which, it is no one's business if you are having sex or not! Geez people! Please keep some things to yourself if only to appear classier than you are.
So, another few weeks of my life were wasted. But lesson learned. I will listen to my gut instead of trying to go along with someone in something that feels off. The odd thing is that he and I had been in contact for about two years so he was really good at hiding reality. I don't hide reality very well. He now knows very well how little respect I have for him. He asked what I would have him do and I told him to either act very married and do it with all his heart or get out.
For those out there that may suspect that a man that you are seeing is married (not separated, very married) here are a few warning signs:
1. He is very busy with vague things in the evening.
2. His phone is not answered or messages go unanswered during what would be "family time".
3. He gets defensive when you ask questions about how he and his wife handle juggling kids.
4. He tries to say that everything he does is for his children.
5. Your gut is telling you that something is just not adding up. It's because it is BAD!
Good luck ladies!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
Raining Men
Why when you finally decide to give dating a rest do all the men come out of the woodwork?
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
One Can Hope
This is for all of you who may be feeling hopeless instead of hopeful
about your love life.
Just relax, it will come.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Long Distance Relationships
If you had asked me a few years ago if I thought that a long distance relationship could possibly work I would have told you NEVER!!! However, I read a quote recently that struck me. “In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged.” Hans Nouwens
I loved this quote because I have done the long distance relationship now and for me it was a wonderful experience. I do think it is harder for men than women at times because of the lack of physical contact. However, I can say that as a woman approaches 40, there is an increase in sex drive that would rival any 20 year old guy! So, who knows who it is easier for. I just know that if two people want the relationship equally as much and are both committed to making it work, there is no reason it shouldn't work.
There are a few things you can do to help it along:
1. Communicate - A LOT! I think it is important to feel connected in your daily activities and it helps build trust. I do think it can be over done and feel smothering but with all our technology it is easier than ever to feel connected so get texting, use IM programs and by all means make sure you have Skype.
2. Compromise - Each person is going to have different needs in their LDR. These may change as time goes on and it is always best to get expectations and boundaries out in the open so you can find something that works for both of you.
3. Benefit of the Doubt - When you are texting a lot of using IM you forget that 80% of our communication is nonverbal and we don't get that 80% through some technology. Don't take offense at things until you ask questions that seek understanding. Just assume that the person wouldn't hurt you or mean to offend you until you know more. This will save you a ton of issues. Just remember that you both share the goal of making each other happy.
4. Plans - Always have a plan to see each other when you can. This can be costly but it is priceless. You need to connect. Also, it is good for everyone to have something to look forward to and to work toward.
5. Date - This sounds silly when it comes to the long distance relationship but it can work. You can play games together online or off it you can make it work. You can shop together online, you can watch a movie together and enjoy it with the company. Just use your imagination. Mix it up and keep it interesting just like you would if you were able to date in person. You can even enjoy a good dinner together if you have Skype. Time zones can be a challenge but if you want it to work, you will make it work. No excuses.
Yes, the long distance relationship takes more effort than you can ever imagine but I believe that it makes for a relationship worth having and gives you a chance to get to know each others souls more than if you were always in person. Just believe in it and give it a chance if you have found someone but think the distance is a deal breaker. It doesn't have to be a road block - it can be an adventure! Just change your outlook!
I loved this quote because I have done the long distance relationship now and for me it was a wonderful experience. I do think it is harder for men than women at times because of the lack of physical contact. However, I can say that as a woman approaches 40, there is an increase in sex drive that would rival any 20 year old guy! So, who knows who it is easier for. I just know that if two people want the relationship equally as much and are both committed to making it work, there is no reason it shouldn't work.
There are a few things you can do to help it along:
1. Communicate - A LOT! I think it is important to feel connected in your daily activities and it helps build trust. I do think it can be over done and feel smothering but with all our technology it is easier than ever to feel connected so get texting, use IM programs and by all means make sure you have Skype.
2. Compromise - Each person is going to have different needs in their LDR. These may change as time goes on and it is always best to get expectations and boundaries out in the open so you can find something that works for both of you.
3. Benefit of the Doubt - When you are texting a lot of using IM you forget that 80% of our communication is nonverbal and we don't get that 80% through some technology. Don't take offense at things until you ask questions that seek understanding. Just assume that the person wouldn't hurt you or mean to offend you until you know more. This will save you a ton of issues. Just remember that you both share the goal of making each other happy.
4. Plans - Always have a plan to see each other when you can. This can be costly but it is priceless. You need to connect. Also, it is good for everyone to have something to look forward to and to work toward.
5. Date - This sounds silly when it comes to the long distance relationship but it can work. You can play games together online or off it you can make it work. You can shop together online, you can watch a movie together and enjoy it with the company. Just use your imagination. Mix it up and keep it interesting just like you would if you were able to date in person. You can even enjoy a good dinner together if you have Skype. Time zones can be a challenge but if you want it to work, you will make it work. No excuses.
Yes, the long distance relationship takes more effort than you can ever imagine but I believe that it makes for a relationship worth having and gives you a chance to get to know each others souls more than if you were always in person. Just believe in it and give it a chance if you have found someone but think the distance is a deal breaker. It doesn't have to be a road block - it can be an adventure! Just change your outlook!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Pick a "type", any "type"!
I have a girlfriend who is gorgeous, self sufficient and so much fun to be around. I love her to pieces and yet there is something that worries me beyond belief. In the space of about 10 weeks this girl has gone through three men that I know of. I should make it clear that these were not just dates but there was intimacy involved with each one. Judge if you like (yes, I do too), but she just needs to figure out what it is that she wants. I should explain.
Guy number one. He is good looking, clean cut (as in squeaky clean, no tattoos, no piercings, no mussy hair, nothing), gainfully employed . . . the full package. One night they are to meet up at a karaoke bar and she is there first with a group of friends. He comes in later than expected and instead of going right over to greet her for their date (yes, they were supposed to head out on a date at this point), he spends 30 minutes making the rounds socializing with everyone but her and then finally gives her some attention. Luckily she is not dumb enough to accept this kind of treatment. I swear there are people out there with no social graces at all. It is just astounding. He may have been right for her if only he had a brain about social skills.
Guy number two. Polar opposite. This guy by all appearances looks like an ex con. Yes, it is stereotypical of me because I haven't met him and he is probably a great guy with a good personality and he has probably never served time but he looks scary. There are few inches of his being that are not covered in tattoos. His hair is funky like he has to make another statement to society and from what I hear the piercings were extensive. His clothes are of the sort that say "Don't mess with me". This seemed odd to me compared to her last few guys and I just couldn't put the pieces together.
*I must note here that I DO NOT have an issue with tattoos or piercings but one would be ignorant to not address the stereotype that comes with that. It is no different than the ladies in my community who wear full length dresses with pants under them so as to be fully clothed and not go by the stereotype that they are in fact part of a certain polygamist group and not just expressing themselves. Certain looks go with certain types of people. I think society is starting to become more accepting of differences but stereotypes don't go away easily. There, you can think what you want now.
Guy number three. This guy is one I met this past week when a group of us went out together. We had a great time. He was nice enough and he wasn't a mooch, he was willing to pay for his own drinks. But I should note, he didn't offer to pay for anything for her which is a big indicator that he lacks chivalry. This guy was 100% granola. He almost looked like Jesus but hairier if that's possible. He is a skater "dude" who works in retail (no, not management and no he is not 19). I am sure this leaves a lot of hours for skating. At least he does have a job, I will give him that and I know I sound like an snob but I am making a point. The guy just looked like the type who doesn't believe in conventional hygiene practices. Still, you had to like him.
So, now to the real point. In about 10 weeks this girl has been all over the map. She is a lost soul. Why is it that people can't just be alone and still long enough to discover what it is that they like. As in the movie Runaway Bride, she has to go off and figure out how she likes her eggs instead of always ordering them the same as her significant other. People need to know who they are and what they are about before they can latch onto others. The sad thing here is that this last guy is really smitten and I know that he will be hurt when she has to close the door on things. And I know that she never intended it to last but she surely didn't let him know that because he acts like she is the one for him. It is so sad.
While I admire her for dating all kinds and trying new things, I know her and it is so obvious what will work for her. She needs someone who looks as classy and put together as she does and who knows what social graces to use at different times. I just wonder how she got to her age without ever realizing what it is that she wants and needs from someone so that it works and for the life of me I don't know why she is okay with the casualness of just being with someone for the sake of being with someone with no regard to how they may fall in love or what the damage left behind will be. I don't think she does it to hurt anyone and I don't think she is even aware that she is doing it. But as a bystander it is like watching a train wreck right before your very eyes.
In further news: March rocks!
Guy number one. He is good looking, clean cut (as in squeaky clean, no tattoos, no piercings, no mussy hair, nothing), gainfully employed . . . the full package. One night they are to meet up at a karaoke bar and she is there first with a group of friends. He comes in later than expected and instead of going right over to greet her for their date (yes, they were supposed to head out on a date at this point), he spends 30 minutes making the rounds socializing with everyone but her and then finally gives her some attention. Luckily she is not dumb enough to accept this kind of treatment. I swear there are people out there with no social graces at all. It is just astounding. He may have been right for her if only he had a brain about social skills.
Guy number two. Polar opposite. This guy by all appearances looks like an ex con. Yes, it is stereotypical of me because I haven't met him and he is probably a great guy with a good personality and he has probably never served time but he looks scary. There are few inches of his being that are not covered in tattoos. His hair is funky like he has to make another statement to society and from what I hear the piercings were extensive. His clothes are of the sort that say "Don't mess with me". This seemed odd to me compared to her last few guys and I just couldn't put the pieces together.
*I must note here that I DO NOT have an issue with tattoos or piercings but one would be ignorant to not address the stereotype that comes with that. It is no different than the ladies in my community who wear full length dresses with pants under them so as to be fully clothed and not go by the stereotype that they are in fact part of a certain polygamist group and not just expressing themselves. Certain looks go with certain types of people. I think society is starting to become more accepting of differences but stereotypes don't go away easily. There, you can think what you want now.
Guy number three. This guy is one I met this past week when a group of us went out together. We had a great time. He was nice enough and he wasn't a mooch, he was willing to pay for his own drinks. But I should note, he didn't offer to pay for anything for her which is a big indicator that he lacks chivalry. This guy was 100% granola. He almost looked like Jesus but hairier if that's possible. He is a skater "dude" who works in retail (no, not management and no he is not 19). I am sure this leaves a lot of hours for skating. At least he does have a job, I will give him that and I know I sound like an snob but I am making a point. The guy just looked like the type who doesn't believe in conventional hygiene practices. Still, you had to like him.
So, now to the real point. In about 10 weeks this girl has been all over the map. She is a lost soul. Why is it that people can't just be alone and still long enough to discover what it is that they like. As in the movie Runaway Bride, she has to go off and figure out how she likes her eggs instead of always ordering them the same as her significant other. People need to know who they are and what they are about before they can latch onto others. The sad thing here is that this last guy is really smitten and I know that he will be hurt when she has to close the door on things. And I know that she never intended it to last but she surely didn't let him know that because he acts like she is the one for him. It is so sad.
While I admire her for dating all kinds and trying new things, I know her and it is so obvious what will work for her. She needs someone who looks as classy and put together as she does and who knows what social graces to use at different times. I just wonder how she got to her age without ever realizing what it is that she wants and needs from someone so that it works and for the life of me I don't know why she is okay with the casualness of just being with someone for the sake of being with someone with no regard to how they may fall in love or what the damage left behind will be. I don't think she does it to hurt anyone and I don't think she is even aware that she is doing it. But as a bystander it is like watching a train wreck right before your very eyes.
In further news: March rocks!
Friday, March 9, 2012
Emotionally Unavailable
Everyone has been there. You are charmed by someone you meet, you start to date. You think to yourself that this could be the person that makes me tick and makes me smile. And then BOOM! You discover that they don't have much in the way of emotional capacity. In my experience, this happens WAY to often and I have to admit that at times, I have even been this person.
No, I have not been this person on purpose. It was without me realizing it but in hindsight I can see that we are all capable of going through times where we are emotionally unavailable for varied reasons. However, there are some tell tale signs that someone is not emotionally ready for a relationship and it is good for all of us to know them so we can get out early and move on to greener pastures!
1. He (yes, it could be "she") seems full of potential and he gives you little bread crumbs of hope but he is so messed up in the head and self absorbed that there is really nothing behind it. These people are always the victims. Work isn't going good and they are the victim of injustice. Their past relationships failed but they never talk about the role they played in the breakdown. You know the drill. These guys love the thrill of the hunt when it comes to dating but once they think they have you, their interest is fading fast.
2. He is married or still not over his ex. By married, I mean actively living as though he is married to someone. And it is usually obvious when someone is not over an ex. You don't need this, move on.
3. You never know when you will hear from him again. This is the first sign of being truly non-committal and quite frankly it is rude and disrespectful. No matter what - you deserve better. It is only kind and decent to be a good communicator with all the luxuries we have with technology. And for the record, if he has a smart phone and you still don't know if or when you will hear from him, he is a jerk, move on.
4. You view it as a relationship but you are in denial of the fact that you are an option or a booty call and nothing more. Don't be in denial girls. If you rarely see someone in daylight you have a problem. Guys will have a million excuses as to why they are too busy to see you during the day no matter what day it is. Get a reality check and see him for what he is and how he is treating you. You are not a booty call and we have already posted about not being any one's "option".
5. He mentions his ex or exes often. This is a sure sign that he is clinging to the past.
6. You feel a big fat void after you have sex with him. Oh, this is such a bad sign. RUN!
7. If he doesn't seem eager to become part of your life then face facts - He just isn't that into you. When a guy is ready and available he can't get enough of you and he can't wait to be part of your life. This is natural and it is good. It is all part of the beginning stages of a budding romance.
8. He comes off as hot or cold. This is not normal and it is not acceptable. When you find a good guy you will find that he is consistent in his treatment of you, in his communication and you will feel like you are progressing. If not, you are wasting your precious time.
9. He can't seem to commit to anything. In my book, this is an actual deal breaker. Character is made up of being who you say you are and doing what you say you will do and following through on all things.
10. He is as emotional as a fish towards you. No one likes the dead fish syndrome. Get out. This does not mean you need a clingy guy who can't talk to you without crying but if a guys can't get real and have the real good conversations that make us tick then he isn't ready to be anything to you but a filler date.
11. He never calls you his girlfriend. If you have been dating for a while this should be a given and if you don't get introduced as a girlfriend then he doesn't think about one. Don't fool yourself, he won't change his mind in a few weeks or months. It will remain the same because you allow it to.
12. He comes on strong in the beginning, gets your attention and then POOF!, attention fades. Beware!!!
13. If he makes moves on you the first night you date or "hang out" and you can tell that he wants to sleep with you or does sleep with you, he is not into developing a relationship. He is there for one reason and once he gets it you can wave goodbye to his emotions.
Girls, there are plenty of great guys who want to treat you right and are willing to let go of their selfish lifestyles where they only think of themselves and include you in their lives. They will want to be in your life as well. Don't settle and don't get hasty. Just wait and when you least expect it, the guy will be there so keep you eyes open and don't be blind to the good guys around you. They are there, they just aren't always obvious. Or at least I hope so. ;)
Best wishes!
No, I have not been this person on purpose. It was without me realizing it but in hindsight I can see that we are all capable of going through times where we are emotionally unavailable for varied reasons. However, there are some tell tale signs that someone is not emotionally ready for a relationship and it is good for all of us to know them so we can get out early and move on to greener pastures!
1. He (yes, it could be "she") seems full of potential and he gives you little bread crumbs of hope but he is so messed up in the head and self absorbed that there is really nothing behind it. These people are always the victims. Work isn't going good and they are the victim of injustice. Their past relationships failed but they never talk about the role they played in the breakdown. You know the drill. These guys love the thrill of the hunt when it comes to dating but once they think they have you, their interest is fading fast.
2. He is married or still not over his ex. By married, I mean actively living as though he is married to someone. And it is usually obvious when someone is not over an ex. You don't need this, move on.
3. You never know when you will hear from him again. This is the first sign of being truly non-committal and quite frankly it is rude and disrespectful. No matter what - you deserve better. It is only kind and decent to be a good communicator with all the luxuries we have with technology. And for the record, if he has a smart phone and you still don't know if or when you will hear from him, he is a jerk, move on.
4. You view it as a relationship but you are in denial of the fact that you are an option or a booty call and nothing more. Don't be in denial girls. If you rarely see someone in daylight you have a problem. Guys will have a million excuses as to why they are too busy to see you during the day no matter what day it is. Get a reality check and see him for what he is and how he is treating you. You are not a booty call and we have already posted about not being any one's "option".
5. He mentions his ex or exes often. This is a sure sign that he is clinging to the past.
6. You feel a big fat void after you have sex with him. Oh, this is such a bad sign. RUN!
7. If he doesn't seem eager to become part of your life then face facts - He just isn't that into you. When a guy is ready and available he can't get enough of you and he can't wait to be part of your life. This is natural and it is good. It is all part of the beginning stages of a budding romance.
8. He comes off as hot or cold. This is not normal and it is not acceptable. When you find a good guy you will find that he is consistent in his treatment of you, in his communication and you will feel like you are progressing. If not, you are wasting your precious time.
9. He can't seem to commit to anything. In my book, this is an actual deal breaker. Character is made up of being who you say you are and doing what you say you will do and following through on all things.
10. He is as emotional as a fish towards you. No one likes the dead fish syndrome. Get out. This does not mean you need a clingy guy who can't talk to you without crying but if a guys can't get real and have the real good conversations that make us tick then he isn't ready to be anything to you but a filler date.
11. He never calls you his girlfriend. If you have been dating for a while this should be a given and if you don't get introduced as a girlfriend then he doesn't think about one. Don't fool yourself, he won't change his mind in a few weeks or months. It will remain the same because you allow it to.
12. He comes on strong in the beginning, gets your attention and then POOF!, attention fades. Beware!!!
13. If he makes moves on you the first night you date or "hang out" and you can tell that he wants to sleep with you or does sleep with you, he is not into developing a relationship. He is there for one reason and once he gets it you can wave goodbye to his emotions.
Girls, there are plenty of great guys who want to treat you right and are willing to let go of their selfish lifestyles where they only think of themselves and include you in their lives. They will want to be in your life as well. Don't settle and don't get hasty. Just wait and when you least expect it, the guy will be there so keep you eyes open and don't be blind to the good guys around you. They are there, they just aren't always obvious. Or at least I hope so. ;)
Best wishes!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Angry Girls
I have a brother who is in the midst of a dating detox. However, I believe that if someone remarkable came around he would conceded to dating her. Tonight I thought such a girl had come along. He disagreed. He claimed that he thought she was funny and a good time but that it wouldn't go anywhere. When I inquired as to why he said that it was because she was "angry".
I have noticed a little something about men. Just because a woman shows an emotion other than the standard happy go lucky does not make her an angry girl. The showing of emotion does not make one emotional, moody, unstable, needy, angry or anything else. It is NORMAL! How can your moody breed not get this? I have never seen such moodiness more than I see it in men! You men out there have more mood swings and anger issues and self esteem problems than any woman I have EVER met! As angry as this sounds, I am typing with such a big smile on my face. :)
I love you all and I am a fan of guys as friends and more but good grief! Get a clue! It is so exhausting hearing about how you just need someone light and fluffy who wants to be fit and have a good time. Great on the fit part but the bottom line is that you are afraid that if a woman shows you that she has a brain, thinks more than light and fluffy thoughts and expresses a mood, that she may expect something from you. That something could be commitment, it could be kindness, decency, empathy, time, energy and possibly effort. Heaven forbid. Why don't you just say you want a bimbo and be blunt? You poor unfortunate souls. We are not all angry. We are just tired of being expected to be nothing more than ditzes that you can sleep with whenever the mood suits you.
I am as light and fluffy as they come in daily life and I don't have "daddy issues". I love my dad. He treated me like I could do no wrong for many years and I always knew and still do know that he has a soft heart towards me. He is wrapped around my finger, the way it should be with dads and their girls. It makes me feel loved and helps me remember that it doesn't take sex or anything else to be deserving of such devotion and attention. I just wish for men's sake that they could see that we are not overall an angry species. We are just humans with brains and you should be glad when you find those of us who actually value ourselves and our bodies and don't let you behave like idiots and just stand their and take it. We love you, we have just lost patience with certain ideals that are unrealistic. Our anger is at a situation in society. How can you have respect for someone who plays stupid (or is sincerely stupid) and lets you behave stupidly and doesn't want better for you?
We love sex as much as you do. We hate drama as much as you do. The difference is that the things that turn us on are a bit different than what turns you on. If we weren't different it would be awfully boring! Thank heavens we are this different! As for those of you with mood issues and anger of your own - bring it on. All we ask is that you take accountability for your actions and don't act like victims and we will do the same. Let's all just play fair and drop the "angry girl" card.
I recently expressed the wanted to go to a Kelly Clarkson concert and was told "no way, she is angry and bitter". This was on the way home from a Staind front man concert. Oh, the irony. We heard nothing toe tapping or upbeat, just woe is me love songs and angsty Staind songs. I have never heard such a forlorn or scorned man in my life and yet I could enjoy myself with that so how could someone not see the lighter side of Kelly Clarkson. I mean at least she can express her angst in a toe tapping way that you want to move to? :) At least I wouldn't be afraid of the crowd at KC. I just think we all need to realize that we all have these emotions. They are good for us if we deal with them right. Just be happy and move along. Not everyone is angry and most women are not man haters.
I have noticed a little something about men. Just because a woman shows an emotion other than the standard happy go lucky does not make her an angry girl. The showing of emotion does not make one emotional, moody, unstable, needy, angry or anything else. It is NORMAL! How can your moody breed not get this? I have never seen such moodiness more than I see it in men! You men out there have more mood swings and anger issues and self esteem problems than any woman I have EVER met! As angry as this sounds, I am typing with such a big smile on my face. :)
I love you all and I am a fan of guys as friends and more but good grief! Get a clue! It is so exhausting hearing about how you just need someone light and fluffy who wants to be fit and have a good time. Great on the fit part but the bottom line is that you are afraid that if a woman shows you that she has a brain, thinks more than light and fluffy thoughts and expresses a mood, that she may expect something from you. That something could be commitment, it could be kindness, decency, empathy, time, energy and possibly effort. Heaven forbid. Why don't you just say you want a bimbo and be blunt? You poor unfortunate souls. We are not all angry. We are just tired of being expected to be nothing more than ditzes that you can sleep with whenever the mood suits you.
I am as light and fluffy as they come in daily life and I don't have "daddy issues". I love my dad. He treated me like I could do no wrong for many years and I always knew and still do know that he has a soft heart towards me. He is wrapped around my finger, the way it should be with dads and their girls. It makes me feel loved and helps me remember that it doesn't take sex or anything else to be deserving of such devotion and attention. I just wish for men's sake that they could see that we are not overall an angry species. We are just humans with brains and you should be glad when you find those of us who actually value ourselves and our bodies and don't let you behave like idiots and just stand their and take it. We love you, we have just lost patience with certain ideals that are unrealistic. Our anger is at a situation in society. How can you have respect for someone who plays stupid (or is sincerely stupid) and lets you behave stupidly and doesn't want better for you?
We love sex as much as you do. We hate drama as much as you do. The difference is that the things that turn us on are a bit different than what turns you on. If we weren't different it would be awfully boring! Thank heavens we are this different! As for those of you with mood issues and anger of your own - bring it on. All we ask is that you take accountability for your actions and don't act like victims and we will do the same. Let's all just play fair and drop the "angry girl" card.
I recently expressed the wanted to go to a Kelly Clarkson concert and was told "no way, she is angry and bitter". This was on the way home from a Staind front man concert. Oh, the irony. We heard nothing toe tapping or upbeat, just woe is me love songs and angsty Staind songs. I have never heard such a forlorn or scorned man in my life and yet I could enjoy myself with that so how could someone not see the lighter side of Kelly Clarkson. I mean at least she can express her angst in a toe tapping way that you want to move to? :) At least I wouldn't be afraid of the crowd at KC. I just think we all need to realize that we all have these emotions. They are good for us if we deal with them right. Just be happy and move along. Not everyone is angry and most women are not man haters.
The Nerve
I have a friend who gave a guy my phone number because they thought we would be great together. This guy sent me a text to introduce himself which I appreciated as I HATE talking on the phone. Plus, I wouldn't have answered his call because I don't know his number. We had a conversation over text for a few days. He then asks me out. I told him I was a little unavailable this week (I mean month but was trying to be kind) and then he told me that he was on a construction job out of town and wondered if he could pay for me to come to him and he would put me up in a hotel room.
While this may seem kind at first glance it offended me on about a million levels. First, I have four kids and I don't have time off from them. So, where does he think I would put these children while I go off to vacation for a first date? He is a parent and yet this didn't occur to him.
Second, who in their right mind goes off for days on end to a place they haven't been and lets a stranger put them in a hotel room? I am not a whore. I don't even think I possess the slut gene and so I wonder where he got the idea that this would be okay with me.
Third, in the conversation about this he complained about the cost of something so I can just imagine how nice the hotel room would be that he got me should I go. Men who talk about the price of everything send a very big CHEAP signal out into the world. It isn't that most of us want lavish things or expect for a man to pay for everything 100% of the time. However, you have to avoid appearing cheap. This just tells me that you will spend all the money you want on things you desire but for others there is a limit, not very endearing. Every girl wants to feel like she is worth whatever it takes. It doesn't mean we expect you to spend your whole pay check on us but we want to believe that you would.
When I think of running off with this so called "man" I envision a hotel room with one 20 watt light bulb and mold growing in the shower. I imagine a bed with little hairs in it that make you afraid to get in but the comforter isn't a better option so maybe sleep is not an option. I also envision a lot of dollar menu cuisine for food because he is so put out financially over the 20 watt hotel room. Luckily, I am not in need of a Pretty Woman experience on any financial level. He is out of luck.
After being turned down for the wonderful vacation he asked if he could see me when he gets back to town. Even if I were not on dating strike I would NEVER go out with this man after he even indulged the idea that I was a girl who would travel and be put up by a guy for a first date. I was not mean to him though, I was gracious and let him think he had been very generous with his offer. I will never know why I think it is best to be nice when someone has been a total idiot. I think I get this trait from my mother. Who, I might add, would go crazy if she thought I had left town to shack up with some guy I didn't know for a first date.
While this may seem kind at first glance it offended me on about a million levels. First, I have four kids and I don't have time off from them. So, where does he think I would put these children while I go off to vacation for a first date? He is a parent and yet this didn't occur to him.
Second, who in their right mind goes off for days on end to a place they haven't been and lets a stranger put them in a hotel room? I am not a whore. I don't even think I possess the slut gene and so I wonder where he got the idea that this would be okay with me.
Third, in the conversation about this he complained about the cost of something so I can just imagine how nice the hotel room would be that he got me should I go. Men who talk about the price of everything send a very big CHEAP signal out into the world. It isn't that most of us want lavish things or expect for a man to pay for everything 100% of the time. However, you have to avoid appearing cheap. This just tells me that you will spend all the money you want on things you desire but for others there is a limit, not very endearing. Every girl wants to feel like she is worth whatever it takes. It doesn't mean we expect you to spend your whole pay check on us but we want to believe that you would.
When I think of running off with this so called "man" I envision a hotel room with one 20 watt light bulb and mold growing in the shower. I imagine a bed with little hairs in it that make you afraid to get in but the comforter isn't a better option so maybe sleep is not an option. I also envision a lot of dollar menu cuisine for food because he is so put out financially over the 20 watt hotel room. Luckily, I am not in need of a Pretty Woman experience on any financial level. He is out of luck.
After being turned down for the wonderful vacation he asked if he could see me when he gets back to town. Even if I were not on dating strike I would NEVER go out with this man after he even indulged the idea that I was a girl who would travel and be put up by a guy for a first date. I was not mean to him though, I was gracious and let him think he had been very generous with his offer. I will never know why I think it is best to be nice when someone has been a total idiot. I think I get this trait from my mother. Who, I might add, would go crazy if she thought I had left town to shack up with some guy I didn't know for a first date.
Conversation 101
There are some key things I have noticed on dates about conversation that can make or break a date.
1. Don't ever ask a girl "Why are you still single?". This is such a turn off. You may think it is flattering but it isn't. Most of us would rather be happy in a relationship with the right person but if we have not yet found the right person then so what? Consider it your lucky day but quit making a big deal out of it because quite frankly it is like asking what is wrong with us that a guy hasn't kept us around. Some of us just aren't willing to keep guys around for the sake of having a guy.
2. Conversation is like ping pong. Have you ever been on that date where you do all the work in a conversation and you end up knowing all about the other person and yet you don't feel like they know anything about you except what you choose to drink with dinner? The conversation cannot be all one sided or you can kiss the other person goodbye (you would be lucky to even get a kiss). You need to draw the other person out but you don't want to be interrogating. This is not an interview, it is a heartfelt conversation and the other party can tell if you are not sincere. Don't approach this like you are hiring a housekeeper.
3. Touching is great. Putting your hand on someones hand or arm during a conversation makes you come off as warm and affectionate instead of rigid and cold. It is a sure sign that you are interested. Beware though, keep the touching in safe zones on your first date and possibly for a few after that depending on how the person reacts. I have had guys think that they can feel me up on the first date or the second and I may not freak out on them at the time but in my mind I am thinking that they are using me and that they think so little of me that they view me as a piece of a** and nothing more. Not a good sign. Even if we let you get far with us physically you are destined to lose us because we have your number and most likely we don't just want you for your body. If more men would use some patience here (even if a woman is game), it would pay off in the end. You show us that you respect us and that you are actually into us and we will likely give you the moon.
Last note. If you are going to have conversation and ask questions be sure you are paying attention and remember what the person says to you. It's okay if you don't remember it all exactly but you need to retain a lot of it or you will come off as uncaring.
1. Don't ever ask a girl "Why are you still single?". This is such a turn off. You may think it is flattering but it isn't. Most of us would rather be happy in a relationship with the right person but if we have not yet found the right person then so what? Consider it your lucky day but quit making a big deal out of it because quite frankly it is like asking what is wrong with us that a guy hasn't kept us around. Some of us just aren't willing to keep guys around for the sake of having a guy.
2. Conversation is like ping pong. Have you ever been on that date where you do all the work in a conversation and you end up knowing all about the other person and yet you don't feel like they know anything about you except what you choose to drink with dinner? The conversation cannot be all one sided or you can kiss the other person goodbye (you would be lucky to even get a kiss). You need to draw the other person out but you don't want to be interrogating. This is not an interview, it is a heartfelt conversation and the other party can tell if you are not sincere. Don't approach this like you are hiring a housekeeper.
3. Touching is great. Putting your hand on someones hand or arm during a conversation makes you come off as warm and affectionate instead of rigid and cold. It is a sure sign that you are interested. Beware though, keep the touching in safe zones on your first date and possibly for a few after that depending on how the person reacts. I have had guys think that they can feel me up on the first date or the second and I may not freak out on them at the time but in my mind I am thinking that they are using me and that they think so little of me that they view me as a piece of a** and nothing more. Not a good sign. Even if we let you get far with us physically you are destined to lose us because we have your number and most likely we don't just want you for your body. If more men would use some patience here (even if a woman is game), it would pay off in the end. You show us that you respect us and that you are actually into us and we will likely give you the moon.
Last note. If you are going to have conversation and ask questions be sure you are paying attention and remember what the person says to you. It's okay if you don't remember it all exactly but you need to retain a lot of it or you will come off as uncaring.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Dating Detox!
I have been on a much needed dating detox since Valentine's Day (or just after). To me, these are much needed breaks where you just concentrate on your own life and getting things back to a normal state (whatever that is).
This morning while having a brunch with someone at a local restaurant I heard a conversation in the booth behind me. The people were obviously on a date and it sounded like a first date from what I could tell. The person I was with was enjoying the conversation as well and we had a good laugh about it. It was very much about surface stuff but there was "posturing" going on. The man was trying to come off as a bit macho and that is a huge laugh because he sounded ridiculous and had no clue. He knew about as much about college sporting events as I do and that is a problem because he was talking like he knew instead of just admitting that he doesn't follow college sports.
What was most entertaining and yet painful was that they were talking over each other. I wondered how they thought they could be heard if the other person was speaking but neither party cared. She was more soft spoken but they both were just obviously yearning to be heard. It was sad now that I look at it hours later. It made me glad that for now, I will have friends and go out and have a good time but no one needs to be "posturing" or pretending. No one needs to interrupt or fight for attention. Dating gets old so fast if real connections aren't made and their is no sharing of lives going on.
For dating detox I have been enjoying every minute of my life the way it is. Yes, one day I want someone who will cherish me and want to share my life and let me into theirs but I am in no hurry. All is well! And thank heavens I can say no to dating for now and not have these ridiculous dating conversations like the one I heard today!!!
This morning while having a brunch with someone at a local restaurant I heard a conversation in the booth behind me. The people were obviously on a date and it sounded like a first date from what I could tell. The person I was with was enjoying the conversation as well and we had a good laugh about it. It was very much about surface stuff but there was "posturing" going on. The man was trying to come off as a bit macho and that is a huge laugh because he sounded ridiculous and had no clue. He knew about as much about college sporting events as I do and that is a problem because he was talking like he knew instead of just admitting that he doesn't follow college sports.
What was most entertaining and yet painful was that they were talking over each other. I wondered how they thought they could be heard if the other person was speaking but neither party cared. She was more soft spoken but they both were just obviously yearning to be heard. It was sad now that I look at it hours later. It made me glad that for now, I will have friends and go out and have a good time but no one needs to be "posturing" or pretending. No one needs to interrupt or fight for attention. Dating gets old so fast if real connections aren't made and their is no sharing of lives going on.
For dating detox I have been enjoying every minute of my life the way it is. Yes, one day I want someone who will cherish me and want to share my life and let me into theirs but I am in no hurry. All is well! And thank heavens I can say no to dating for now and not have these ridiculous dating conversations like the one I heard today!!!
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