What Do You Miss Exactly?

Earlier this year I moved on from dating a guy that I actually really liked and enjoyed spending time with.  Ran into him the other day at the store and realized I still do like him and that I have actually missed spending time with him.  I enjoyed his company a lot.  I never had bad feelings toward him and was sorry when it felt like he just wasn't into me.  That was the whole reason I moved on.  I didn't want a huge commitment of any kind but I did want to be something a little more than a time filler for him.  Don't we all want to think that we bring a smile to someones face? 

Perhaps it all happened for a reason.  What I do know is that I keep wondering if I did the right thing by breaking things off.  He has never made me think for a second that he misses me or that I added anything great to his days so I guess that is my answer.  The truth stings at times I suppose. 

I hope I have never made anyone feel like they are inconsequential in my life.  It is such an awful feeling to think you didn't matter.  Looking back I wonder if I ever told this guy that he did make me smile and that I really did like his company.  I know I thanked him for his time and all he did for me but that's different from letting someone know it meant a lot to you.  Lesson learned.  I won't make that mistake with anyone else no matter how it all ends.  Sometimes it is nice to just tell someone that you are glad they are there with you.  Who doesn't want to hear that?

Did I mention I had to run into this guy on my ugliest day of the year?  Doesn't that just figure?  :)

Being Pursued vs. Pursuing

Here is the biggest mistake I have made in all relationships I have had.  I never waited for the guy to pursue me!  I was an easy catch because I thought to play games like "hard to get" was stupid and that I was being honest with the guy and myself every time.  It was honest alright!  It was like wearing a banner that said "you don't even have to try, I'm yours". 

Don't mistake this for being easy to get in bed.  I have not typically been slutty.  Just like everyone there are moments in my life that I am not proud of but my norm is very much hard to get into bed but way too emotionally easy.  The guy knew that he had me from the get go because I assumed that since I didn't take his attention for granted, he wouldn't take mine or me for granted.  Such a foolish mistake!

If you are the female and you want a man you need to let him chase you.  Make him pursue you and go to great effort for you.  Not just his time and energy but even a little money.  If you are paying for everything or most things then you better be ready to continue doing so forever because you are setting a standard.  If you are the one going out of your way to see him or always the one traveling to be with him, get a brain.  You will always be the one planning everything and doing all the work to make it happen.  If he gives you reasons why he can't be the one buying, planning or otherwise, be prepared for the EXCUSES to continue. 

You may think that he is worth the effort and maybe for now he is.  But you better be prepared for the resentment that will hit you in the years to come.  Everyone wants to be wooed and wanted.  Everyone is flattered by someone who will plan an evening or go to any expense on their behalf.  Don't be the only one making the effort ladies.  Let the guy do it for quite a while and then in time, reciprocate so he knows you want to give back.  If he doesn't chase you he will chase other things.  Men like the chase, just ask them.  They like seeing if they can get the girl and it is an ego boost if they do.

You need the security of knowing that you didn't just land in his lap.  Let yourself have the blessing of knowing that he really wanted you just that much!  Make him work for you!  You deserve it and he will enjoy spoiling you!

Love vs. Infatuation

Can you tell the difference between "love" and "infatuation"?  We all think we can tell but when you are in the middle of it there is really a skewed perception.

My thought is that we start out infatuated and then it grows deeper.  But if it weren't for that infatuation, none of us would ever say "I do" except if we are just sick of being single and we are settling.

In the movie Someone Like You, Ashley Judd's character reads an article about cows and how a male will not mate with the same female twice no matter how hard they try to get it to.  She compares these males to humans and says that men always want "new cow".  This was a joke in my family but recently I have come to find that it is very true.   I should say that it doesn't just seem to be with men though, it is just an epidemic of stupidity that we all seem to have.  People and love seem to be disposable to most people now.  No wonder people get married and divorced repeatedly.

Infatuation makes you do stupid things, it makes you forget things that matter.  It makes you compromise what you always believed to be true because it feels so strong.  It pulls you in ways you never knew you would go.  The worst thing about it is that it makes you do some shady things while justifying it in your mind because you can't reason well.

Love wants what is best for you.  It makes you a better man or woman, a better parent, a better human in every way.  True love is not selfish at all.  And true love knows that if it isn't right in this time or place, it let's go so that the people can be healthier in the long run, even if it hurts in the moment.

So, if you are infatuated and it is making you be a crappy parent, sibling, friend, child, or employee maybe you should see it for what it is.  It is easy to be infatuated.  We are all flattered by someones attention and time.  A new relationship is exciting but that excitement should not be mistaken for love.  If anything, we owe it to our children (if we have them) to be selective because they are going to be involved and if everyone can't be pretty stable then think twice. 

Dating Questions

While dating is fun, it is also like filling a job position.  You have to find out as much about a person as you can while you enjoy their company.  This doesn't mean that you act as an interrogator so that every conversation is 20 questions.  This does mean that the longer you date the more you should be thinking about this person as a long term fixture in your life (husband).  These apply to men as well.

Having been married for a long time there are a few things that I wish I had known or even asked about way back.  Some of the questions that I have come up were ones I did ask and was glad to know the answers to.  Keep in mind that this isn't all you should know about a person, it is a place to start.  I hope it helps!

1.  Is he close to his mother and keep in touch or do thoughtful things for her?

2.  Does he have an education and career plan in place and is he headed in the right direction?  (I think this should be by 30 but hey, if you want to raise someone go ahead.)

3.  Do you share the same value system or religion?

4.  Do you have the same views on how your children will be raised if you have kids?

5.  Will he/does he earn enough to support you if you choose to not work outside of the home?

6.  Does he show leadership qualities in his personal life?

7.  Does he show initiative and take charge or does he wait around?

8.  What is his arguing style?  Are you both resolution oriented?

9.  Does he have hobbies that you support?

10.  Is he honest in every way with everyone around him including you?

11.  Do you agree on money management issues?

12.  Will he support you in your education and/or career?

13.  Does he take accountability for his part in his past relationship failures?

14. How does he talk about others including his parents and ex?

Fighting!

I came across a quote that I love the other day.  It isn't the first time I had read it but this time it really struck a chord.  Anne Frank wrote: "I've learned one thing: you only really get to know a person after a fight. Only then can you judge their true character!"

Between my marriage and the relationship I had immediately after I learned the truth of this.  I never realized how much fighting meant when I was married.  I thought fighting was unhealthy and so I would feel bad when I felt like I was spurring on a fight.  In reality there was never any fighting because my husband would never argue back and that was infuriating.  It was like something was missing.

Next relationship brings a new chemistry.  I felt I had truly met my match because I found someone who spoke their mind immediately and stood up for themselves and their opinions.  I loved this and it did cause a lot of sparks.  I loved it, he hated it.

Somewhere between the two types of chemistry must be a good fighting experience.  I had a counselor tell me that a relationship with no fighting is VERY unhealthy.  There will be conflict when two lives merge.  People should stay themselves and be okay with that.  It is great to disagree.  It is how you fight that matters is what I learned.

Back to Anne Frank's great quote - I think she is correct.  When you fight do you have someone who makes it all about them if you were the one who brought up a concern?  Does the person stand up to you when they have good ideas of their own or do they lack the will to do so?  I guess all this goes back to how we watched our parents and others argue or never argue as the case may be.

Moral of this story is that maybe you are long overdue for a healthy fight.  One that is stimulating and actually fun!  Get your juices flowing and enjoy it!  

Is He/She Right For You?

It's the question that all of us wonder.  Is he right for me?  Does he love me for the right reasons?

Here are a few thoughts:

1) You may want to ask this person how many people he/she has said "I love you" to in the past 36 months.  If it is more than a handful, you have a serial lover on your hands.  Some people fall in love with anything that stands still and has a pulse.  If you smile at this person they may propose.

2) Has this person been faithful to the very last moment of their marriage?  If not, they won't be faithful in yours either.  I would like to think that people change but I actually heard a guy who had cheated on his wife say that he couldn't determine if he would cheat again or not.  Pretty scary thought. 

3) If you think you have fallen in love primarily online then stop it and get a brain.  It rarely lasts and you are most likely not that 1% that make it work.  I don't care if you know that person from the past, if the bulk of your relationship is email, text or video chat and phone calls, RUN like Forrest Gump!

4) Long distance relationships don't work.  Again, there is that 1% that you don't fit in.  Believe me, I thought I was in one that would last but alas, NO.  I'm no exception and neither are you. *sigh*  I remember saying this to my ex before we got married (he was in one).  I should have listened to my own advice and he could still make use of it!

5) If something feels off, it is.  Trust your gut.  It is so much better to be alone than to wind up with the wrong person!!!  So often people ignore their guts because they can't stand being alone.  Everyone I know has ignored their gut and everyone has been sorry!

6) Ask yourself this:  Am I right for him really or am I just stroking his ego?  Same for men, turn it around and ask yourself the same thing.  A lot of times I find that men will like any woman who will make him feel good about himself.  This shouldn't be confused with true love.  If you love someone you want what is right for them, even if it isn't you. And guys beware if he looks like something stable.  Just cause you want someone to cook for and to make you feel pretty doesn't mean it should be him! 

7) Is the person promising the moon but you are waiting for some event to make it possible?  Do you have to wait for the person to move, get a job, get divorced, tell their spouse that they are cheating or anything else?  If your future is contingent on what might or should happen then it isn't right.  If you are meant to be together it will wait.  Don't play second fiddle to anything!  You shouldn't be the stand by option in any one's life.  I had a guy tell me once that he would wait for as long as needed to be with me.  Who knew I was in such denial!

8) If you or the other person has children and you don't know those children how do you know that you want them?  Children are the greatest indicator of what we truly are in my opinion.  If that person has respectful, responsible, good hearted children that welcome you or are at least courteous and kind then you know that this is what you will get if you share a home with the clan.  If their kids are always on a cell phone, computer or other gadget or pick their nose at the table you have a lot of that ahead of you!   Couples often think that it ends when kids move out or that it doesn't apply to your relationship.  I can tell you as a mom that our job is NEVER done.  What problems they have at 40 are our problems!  If kids are having issues, the new person coming in inherits those issues and will have to deal but not as a full functioning parent but as an outsider.  It isn't enough to ask if the parent is ready for a new life with someone - are the kids ready?  Because I guarantee it will mess with both of you if everyone is not emotionally stable going into it.

9) Consider birth order of any kids involved.  Middle children may not be so affected but I know that my oldest would most likely not want to have his position taken or overruled and my youngest LOVES being the baby.  Some kids may embrace the blended aspect of things but I think you need to know all the children involved and I am sorry - they come before you do.  If you are a parent it means you had your glory days - it isn't your turn now.  Just something to keep in mind.  Men, if you choose to start a new family with a new wife then expect for your existing children to feel like they have been replaced. 

10) Try to separate what "feels" good and what makes sense.  Flattery, companionship, sex, they are all great but they are not all there is to think about.  For men I would say stop thinking with your "dumb stick" and think with your bigger brain!  Women, you are not exempt especially if middle aged and ready for sex!  Stop thinking of what you wish for and start thinking of everyone involved and what works.  If it doesn't work and you are making excuses or it is only about your happiness then it isn't going to be a good thing.  You are going to hit a rocky road!  Just cause it is what you want doesn't mean it is good.

There is no shame in calling things off at any time.  We all make mistakes or we may come to new clarity.  It's okay to just tell the person that you need to move on.  Finding someone right for you is really a numbers game.  You are going to have to let go of a lot of people even though loss hurts, but every time you do, you are one step closer to the "right" one.

The Profile vs. The Truth

Online profiles crack me up.  Whether it is MySpace or an actual dating site people are full of garbage.  Or perhaps they are full of good intentions and then find out the nothing goes according to plan.

Take for instance the people hung up on finding someone who is not legally married.  Then one day you think the person of your dreams has shown up but whoops!  They are still hitched.  Oopsy!  Then what to do?  This goes right along with 24 year old girls who say they NEVER want children.  Please get a grip!  Who are you kidding?  When that clock starts ticking you will sound like the biggest fool ever.  It's also like a man saying he will never lose his sex drive.  LIES!  Just as we get ours into full swing a guy needs a little blue pill!  UGH!

Then there are the people who insist on having Mr. or Miss Fitness as their future person.  Well, that is great but first look in the mirror.  Are you really fit or do you have a double standard?  And would you be willing to stay alone for all your days versus spending them wonderfully with someone who may be an average weight or just a little more? 

People say they like to hike, be active, snowboard, rock climb, run, sky dive.  Dating sites are full of people who claim to be huge into big thrill sports.  However, when your body fails you and you can't do those activities, what kind of character do you want sitting next to you?  Most do not comment on that!

And if these online daters find someone wonderful are they unselfish enough to let them into their lives?  I am.  What good is having wonderful things happen in life if you have no one to share them with?  My problem is that I am not willing to share them with just anyone.  That can be a good thing and a very bad thing.  Depends on the day.  For today, I will say that it keeps me from falling in love with just anyone. 

Moral of the story - if you are reading this and have an online profile please get real and quit sounding like everyone else out there.  Surely there is something about you that is wonderful and will catch some attention but not if you sound like everyone else. :)

The Art of Texting

Some may say that texting is not a good idea when dating someone and that you should make phone calls or see each other.  That is all fine and dandy but I believe that if done properly, texting just adds fun and some great laughs if done right.  I also think that different forms of communication are better for different people.

One thing that I happen to be good at is answering people via text.  I hate talking on the phone but if someone emails or texts me, they will hear back from me quickly.  I am not one to leave someone hanging or to let them feel stupid for texting when they get nothing in return.

A while back I was dating someone who did not have text etiquette and this was hard for me as I try to be prompt and thoughtful and long for someone to return the effort.  I would try to flirt or have fun and I would just hear crickets in return.  I felt so stupid time and time again for putting myself out there.  To my face this person claimed they were interested in me but then they were never very anxious to hear from me or to answer a text.  I tried to be understanding but I felt stupid one time too many and knew I couldn't keep being ignored that way. 

I should make this clear - I did not do the over texting thing where you make the other person afraid of you.  :)  I know that most men don't want to have long conversation over text and either do I.  However, it doesn't kill anyone to send a smiley face back to someone.  It goes a long way just to acknowledge someone.

Some men may consider that high maintenance - for a girl to expect to be responded to.  However, if men want us to put up with some of their strange habits (which we would gladly do and we all have our weird things) then they could at least be courteous.

This of course does not apply when someone is working or at a family function or something like that.  We all need to realize that you can't expect someone to be tied to their phone 24/7.  You have to be reasonable.

The saddest part was that I actually liked the guy who wouldn't even humor me.  But, lesson learned.  I need what I need that way and knowing that hopefully I will be able to see someone else's needs and meet them when the time comes.  After all, the fun of dating and relationships is being there for each other and learning what makes the other person tick.  It is fascinating and fun if you are just willing to put some effort into it.

One last note - the booty call text is never ok for girls or guys.  If you are still doing the booty call routine please save all of humanity and stop pretending like you want a relationship.  This goes for the drunk texters as well.  :)

Crickets

I hear crickets when it comes to my dating life.  I'm not complaining, this was done on purpose.  I deliberately took myself off the market for a while.  Dating is hideous.  I thought I had found someone great to spend time with but if that person isn't even excited to see or talk to me then what is the use?  Crickets.  :)  Don't get me wrong - great guy - he just didn't seem to be that into me.

I'm a romantic dork.  I want flowers, great music, good kissing, and I want to feel adored.  Who doesn't?  I get that those things don't happen daily - I am not completely delusional.  However, I do think it is practical to want a man who is thoughtful and who makes you feel like he would rather be with you than anywhere else.  I don't want to be some guys filler date aka warm body. 

In other news, I see people around me making horrible decisions that make me want to refrain from dating for even longer.  One friend of mine desperately wanted to make a connection with a guy that she knows and likes.  I guess he is very kind to her and he is great looking.  She asked what she should do and I told her that should he want to date her that wild horses wouldn't stop him.  He would make it happen.  She did not wait - she asked him to her home to make him dinner with her children there.  They had a great friendly evening but she knew right then and there that friends was as far as it was going to get.  I was a good girl and didn't say "I told you so". 

A guilty pleasure of mine is watching the Millionaire Matchmaker.  She has some good tips.  When talking to a very smallish gay man (who she was screening for a client) he went on and on about how great he was but she had to point out to him that if he was over six feet tall and had endless money would he really choose him to be with?  This was a painful question but he immediately said "I understand".  He needs to look for someone more like him in every way. 

Another girlfriend of mine still pines and longs for a man who cheated on her.  She has asked recently when that awful feeling inside of missing him so much will go away.  I didn't reply to her at all because in my experience it doesn't really go away.  You always love someone and you love the idea of them and the future you talked about building.  It's a tough one trying to get over someone that you know is not good for you.

Anyway, maybe I will get back on the dating wagon soon.  I do want a relationship but I don't want to be completely taken over by it and I don't want a man to give up his independence for me.  I just want to work well together, be twitterpated and respect each other.  :)  Is that too much to ask?

So many men, so little time.

Seems when it comes to men, it is feast or famine.  I've been in the middle of huge work projects for the past six weeks or so and all of a sudden the men have come out of the woodwork.  The only problem being that my focus is elsewhere for now.  Wouldn't it be great if a great guy could align with a good time? 

We shall see what comes!  I will post more later.

Oh my! We don't go anywhere from here.

So married man won't stop contacting me.  This is so irritating that he is about one text from being blocked from my phone or maybe I will just get a new number.  He stalks me on social networks where if I comment on how a date went or what I did and then he sends me messages about how jealous he is of a new guy or situation.

Stupid me, I made the mistake of replying one evening because I thought I could make the insanity stop.  He asks me "where do we go from here?"  Well, duh.  I could not believe that I took the time to explain to him that there was nowhere for it to go while he is living with his wife and she thinks she is happily married.  What a nut!

I hope she realizes what an idiot she is married to.  I'm sure he has redeeming qualities in there somewhere but if he will cheat on her then he will cheat on the next person.  You have to at least have the courtesy to tell your spouse that you do not want to be married in ANY way and then try moving out!  Geez!

I should have ignored the text.  I hate being drawn in to engage in stupid conversations.  But for two days the phone and email have been silent so maybe, just maybe, he has learned that we don't go anywhere from here.

Very Married

I was supposed to do some web work for a guy who owns his own business.  He opted out of having me do that work but then we became interested in each other so we agreed that we should see where it led.  Sounded fine to me but I should have known that something was up because I was supposed to be in dating detox and caved. 

In the beginning he was very thoughtful and kind and was always letting me know that he was thinking of me.  Then, he didn't do what he said he would.  Then, he was more and more busy during the evenings with his kids.  He kept telling me he was just really close to his kids and that he tried to spend all the time in the world with them.  For about a minute I believed that but then it smelled so fishy I couldn't keep putting on a smile.

Finally he admitted to me that he was married but said that he was separated.  I believed this for 24 hours.  As those 24 hours went on he was telling me how he would sometimes sleep at his wife's house so the kids had more time with him and how he tried to help them with their homework every single night.  He even told me that he was living in a house down the street.

My gut was telling me this is a very married man who is actively married, not just legally wed.  So finally, I just hit him with my thoughts.  I wasn't trying to be hurtful but I am blunt because I don't think you should waste people's time.  Come to find out he was playing house 24/7 and once in a while stayed at a house down the street from him that belongs to his mother-in-law.  He claims he was never planning on meeting someone he wanted to be involved with until I came along.  He also said it would hurt him too much to lose me.

Well, isn't that just sweet?  Can you imagine how his wife would feel if she found out about all this.  I found her on Facebook and her profile picture is still a family photo with him in it which tells me he is a slime ball.  He claims that everyone who knows him thinks that if you aren't having sex with your spouse you are separated.  I am not sure what land he lives in but until you live apart with the intent of becoming divorced - you are not separated.  Get a brain!  Good grief!  On top of which, it is no one's business if you are having sex or not!  Geez people!  Please keep some things to yourself if only to appear classier than you are.

So, another few weeks of my life were wasted.  But lesson learned.  I will listen to my gut instead of trying to go along with someone in something that feels off.  The odd thing is that he and I had been in contact for about two years so he was really good at hiding reality.  I don't hide reality very well.  He now knows very well how little respect I have for him.  He asked what I would have him do and I told him to either act very married and do it with all his heart or get out. 

For those out there that may suspect that a man that you are seeing is married (not separated, very married) here are a few warning signs:

1.  He is very busy with vague things in the evening.
2.  His phone is not answered or messages go unanswered during what would be "family time".
3.  He gets defensive when you ask questions about how he and his wife handle juggling kids.
4.  He tries to say that everything he does is for his children.
5.  Your gut is telling you that something is just not adding up.  It's because it is BAD!

Good luck ladies!

Raining Men

Why when you finally decide to give dating a rest do all the men come out of the woodwork? 

One Can Hope

This is for all of you who may be feeling hopeless instead of hopeful

about your love life.

Just relax, it will come.

 

Will He Ever Change?

No.

Long Distance Relationships

If you had asked me a few years ago if I thought that a long distance relationship could possibly work I would have told you NEVER!!!  However, I read a quote recently that struck me.  “In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged.” Hans Nouwens  


I loved this quote because I have done the long distance relationship now and for me it was a wonderful experience.  I do think it is harder for men than women at times because of the lack of physical contact.  However, I can say that as a woman approaches 40, there is an increase in sex drive that would rival any 20 year old guy!  So, who knows who it is easier for.  I just know that if two people want the relationship equally as much and are both committed to making it work, there is no reason it shouldn't work.

There are a few things you can do to help it along:

1.  Communicate - A LOT!  I think it is important to feel connected in your daily activities and it helps build trust.  I do think it can be over done and feel smothering but with all our technology it is easier than ever to feel connected so get texting, use IM programs and by all means make sure you have Skype. 

2.  Compromise - Each person is going to have different needs in their LDR.  These may change as time goes on and it is always best to get expectations and boundaries out in the open so you can find something that works for both of you.

3.  Benefit of the Doubt - When you are texting a lot of using IM you forget that 80% of our communication is nonverbal and we don't get that 80% through some technology.  Don't take offense at things until you ask questions that seek understanding.  Just assume that the person wouldn't hurt you or mean to offend you until you know more.  This will save you a ton of issues.  Just remember that you both share the goal of making each other happy.

4.  Plans - Always have a plan to see each other when you can.  This can be costly but it is priceless.  You need to connect.  Also, it is good for everyone to have something to look forward to and to work toward.

5.  Date - This sounds silly when it comes to the long distance relationship but it can work.  You can play games together online or off it you can make it work.  You can shop together online, you can watch a movie together and enjoy it with the company.  Just use your imagination.  Mix it up and keep it interesting just like you would if you were able to date in person.  You can even enjoy a good dinner together if you have Skype.  Time zones can be a challenge but if you want it to work, you will make it work.  No excuses.

Yes, the long distance relationship takes more effort than you can ever imagine but I believe that it makes for a relationship worth having and gives you a chance to get to know each others souls more than if you were always in person.  Just believe in it and give it a chance if you have found someone but think the distance is a deal breaker.  It doesn't have to be a road block - it can be an adventure!  Just change your outlook!

Pick a "type", any "type"!

I have a girlfriend who is gorgeous, self sufficient and so much fun to be around.  I love her to pieces and yet there is something that worries me beyond belief.  In the space of about 10 weeks this girl has gone through three men that I know of.  I should make it clear that these were not just dates but there was intimacy involved with each one.  Judge if you like (yes, I do too), but she just needs to figure out what it is that she wants.  I should explain.

Guy number one.  He is good looking, clean cut (as in squeaky clean, no tattoos, no piercings, no mussy hair, nothing), gainfully employed . . . the full package.  One night they are to meet up at a karaoke bar and she is there first with a group of friends.  He comes in later than expected and instead of going right over to greet her for their date (yes, they were supposed to head out on a date at this point), he spends 30 minutes making the rounds socializing with everyone but her and then finally gives her some attention.  Luckily she is not dumb enough to accept this kind of treatment.  I swear there are people out there with no social graces at all.  It is just astounding.  He may have been right for her if only he had a brain about social skills.

Guy number two.  Polar opposite.  This guy by all appearances looks like an ex con.  Yes, it is stereotypical of me because I haven't met him and he is probably a great guy with a good personality and he has probably never served time but he looks scary.  There are few inches of his being that are not covered in tattoos.  His hair is funky like he has to make another statement to society and from what I hear the piercings were extensive.  His clothes are of the sort that say "Don't mess with me".  This seemed odd to me compared to her last few guys and I just couldn't put the pieces together.

*I must note here that I DO NOT have an issue with tattoos or piercings but one would be ignorant to not address the stereotype that comes with that.  It is no different than the ladies in my community who wear full length dresses with pants under them so as to be fully clothed and not go by the stereotype that they are in fact part of a certain polygamist group and not just expressing themselves.  Certain looks go with certain types of people.  I think society is starting to become more accepting of differences but stereotypes don't go away easily.  There, you can think what you want now.

Guy number three.  This guy is one I met this past week when a group of us went out together.  We had a great time.  He was nice enough and he wasn't a mooch, he was willing to pay for his own drinks. But I should note, he didn't offer to pay for anything for her which is a big indicator that he lacks chivalry. This guy was 100% granola.  He almost looked like Jesus but hairier if that's possible.  He is a skater "dude" who works in retail (no, not management and no he is not 19).  I am sure this leaves a lot of hours for skating.  At least he does have a job, I will give him that and I know I sound like an snob but I am making a point.  The guy just looked like the type who doesn't believe in conventional hygiene practices.  Still, you had to like him. 

So, now to the real point.  In about 10 weeks this girl has been all over the map.  She is a lost soul.  Why is it that people can't just be alone and still long enough to discover what it is that they like.  As in the movie Runaway Bride, she has to go off and figure out how she likes her eggs instead of always ordering them the same as her significant other.  People need to know who they are and what they are about before they can latch onto others.  The sad thing here is that this last guy is really smitten and I know that he will be hurt when she has to close the door on things.  And I know that she never intended it to last but she surely didn't let him know that because he acts like she is the one for him.  It is so sad.

While I admire her for dating all kinds and trying new things, I know her and it is so obvious what will work for her.  She needs someone who looks as classy and put together as she does and who knows what social graces to use at different times.  I just wonder how she got to her age without ever realizing what it is that she wants and needs from someone so that it works and for the life of me I don't know why she is okay with the casualness of just being with someone for the sake of being with someone with no regard to how they may fall in love or what the damage left behind will be.  I don't think she does it to hurt anyone and I don't think she is even aware that she is doing it.  But as a bystander it is like watching a train wreck right before your very eyes.

In further news:  March rocks!

Emotionally Unavailable

Everyone has been there.  You are charmed by someone you meet, you start to date.  You think to yourself that this could be the person that makes me tick and makes me smile.  And then BOOM!  You discover that they don't have much in the way of emotional capacity.  In my experience, this happens WAY to often and I have to admit that at times, I have even been this person.

No, I have not been this person on purpose.  It was without me realizing it but in hindsight I can see that we are all capable of going through times where we are emotionally unavailable for varied reasons.  However, there are some tell tale signs that someone is not emotionally ready for a relationship and it is good for all of us to know them so we can get out early and move on to greener pastures!

1.  He (yes, it could be "she") seems full of potential and he gives you little bread crumbs of hope but he is so messed up in the head and self absorbed that there is really nothing behind it.  These people are always the victims.  Work isn't going good and they are the victim of injustice.  Their past relationships failed but they never talk about the role they played in the breakdown.  You know the drill.  These guys love the thrill of the hunt when it comes to dating but once they think they have you, their interest is fading fast. 

2.  He is married or still not over his ex.  By married, I mean actively living as though he is married to someone.  And it is usually obvious when someone is not over an ex.  You don't need this, move on.

3.  You never know when you will hear from him again.  This is the first sign of being truly non-committal and quite frankly it is rude and disrespectful.  No matter what - you deserve better.  It is only kind and decent to be a good communicator with all the luxuries we have with technology.  And for the record, if he has a smart phone and you still don't know if or when you will hear from him, he is a jerk, move on.

4.  You view it as a relationship but you are in denial of the fact that you are an option or a booty call and nothing more.  Don't be in denial girls.  If you rarely see someone in daylight you have a problem.  Guys will have a million excuses as to why they are too busy to see you during the day no matter what day it is.  Get a reality check and see him for what he is and how he is treating you.  You are not a booty call and we have already posted about not being any one's "option".

5.  He mentions his ex or exes often.  This is a sure sign that he is clinging to the past. 

6.  You feel a big fat void after you have sex with him.  Oh, this is such a bad sign.  RUN!

7.  If he doesn't seem eager to become part of your life then face facts - He just isn't that into you.  When a guy is ready and available he can't get enough of you and he can't wait to be part of your life.  This is natural and it is good.  It is all part of the beginning stages of a budding romance.

8.  He comes off as hot or cold.  This is not normal and it is not acceptable.  When you find a good guy you will find that he is consistent in his treatment of you, in his communication and you will feel like you are progressing.  If not, you are wasting your precious time.

9.  He can't seem to commit to anything.  In my book, this is an actual deal breaker.  Character is made up of being who you say you are and doing what you say you will do and following through on all things. 

10.  He is as emotional as a fish towards you.  No one likes the dead fish syndrome.  Get out.  This does not mean you need a clingy guy who can't talk to you without crying but if a guys can't get real and have the real good conversations that make us tick then he isn't ready to be anything to you but a filler date.

11.  He never calls you his girlfriend.  If you have been dating for a while this should be a given and if you don't get introduced as a girlfriend then he doesn't think about one.  Don't fool yourself, he won't change his mind in a few weeks or months.  It will remain the same because you allow it to.

12.  He comes on strong in the beginning, gets your attention and then POOF!, attention fades.  Beware!!!

13.  If he makes moves on you the first night you date or "hang out" and you can tell that he wants to sleep with you or does sleep with you, he is not into developing a relationship.  He is there for one reason and once he gets it you can wave goodbye to his emotions.

Girls, there are plenty of great guys who want to treat you right and are willing to let go of their selfish lifestyles where they only think of themselves and include you in their lives.  They will want to be in your life as well.  Don't settle and don't get hasty.  Just wait and when you least expect it, the guy will be there so keep you eyes open and don't be blind to the good guys around you.  They are there, they just aren't always obvious.  Or at least I hope so.  ;)

Best wishes!

Angry Girls

I have a brother who is in the midst of a dating detox.  However, I believe that if someone remarkable came around he would conceded to dating her.  Tonight I thought such a girl had come along.  He disagreed.  He claimed that he thought she was funny and a good time but that it wouldn't go anywhere.  When I inquired as to why he said that it was because she was "angry".

I have noticed a little something about men.  Just because a woman shows an emotion other than the standard happy go lucky does not make her an angry girl.  The showing of emotion does not make one emotional, moody, unstable, needy, angry or anything else.  It is NORMAL!  How can your moody breed not get this?  I have never seen such moodiness more than I see it in men!  You men out there have more mood swings and anger issues and self esteem problems than any woman I have EVER met!  As angry as this sounds, I am typing with such a big smile on my face.  :)

I love you all and I am a fan of guys as friends and more but good grief!  Get a clue!  It is so exhausting hearing about how you just need someone light and fluffy who wants to be fit and have a good time.  Great on the fit part but the bottom line is that you are afraid that if a woman shows you that she has a brain, thinks more than light and fluffy thoughts and expresses a mood, that she may expect something from you.  That something could be commitment, it could be kindness, decency, empathy, time, energy and possibly effort.  Heaven forbid.  Why don't you just say you want a bimbo and be blunt?  You poor unfortunate souls.  We are not all angry.  We are just tired of being expected to be nothing more than ditzes that you can sleep with whenever the mood suits you. 

I am as light and fluffy as they come in daily life and I don't have "daddy issues".  I love my dad.  He treated me like I could do no wrong for many years and I always knew and still do know that he has a soft heart towards me.  He is wrapped around my finger, the way it should be with dads and their girls.  It makes me feel loved and helps me remember that it doesn't take sex or anything else to be deserving of such devotion and attention.  I just wish for men's sake that they could see that we are not overall an angry species.  We are just humans with brains and you should be glad when you find those of us who actually value ourselves and our bodies and don't let you behave like idiots and just stand their and take it.  We love you, we have just lost patience with certain ideals that are unrealistic.  Our anger is at a situation in society.  How can you have respect for someone who plays stupid (or is sincerely stupid) and lets you behave stupidly and doesn't want better for you?

We love sex as much as you do.  We hate drama as much as you do.  The difference is that the things that turn us on are a bit different than what turns you on.  If we weren't different it would be awfully boring!  Thank heavens we are this different!  As for those of you with mood issues and anger of your own - bring it on.  All we ask is that you take accountability for your actions and don't act like victims and we will do the same.  Let's all just play fair and drop the "angry girl" card.

I recently expressed the wanted to go to a Kelly Clarkson concert and was told "no way, she is angry and bitter".  This was on the way home from a Staind front man concert.  Oh, the irony.  We heard nothing toe tapping or upbeat, just woe is me love songs and angsty Staind songs.  I have never heard such a forlorn or scorned man in my life and yet I could enjoy myself with that so how could someone not see the lighter side of Kelly Clarkson.  I mean at least she can express her angst in a toe tapping way that you want to move to?  :)  At least I wouldn't be afraid of the crowd at KC.  I just think we all need to realize that we all have these emotions.  They are good for us if we deal with them right.  Just be happy and move along.  Not everyone is angry and most women are not man haters. 

The Nerve

I have a friend who gave a guy my phone number because they thought we would be great together.  This guy sent me a text to introduce himself which I appreciated as I HATE talking on the phone.  Plus, I wouldn't have answered his call because I don't know his number.  We had a conversation over text for a few days.  He then asks me out.  I told him I was a little unavailable this week (I mean month but was trying to be kind) and then he told me that he was on a construction job out of town and wondered if he could pay for me to come to him and he would put me up in a hotel room.

While this may seem kind at first glance it offended me on about a million levels.  First, I have four kids and I don't have time off from them.  So, where does he think I would put these children while I go off to vacation for a first date?  He is a parent and yet this didn't occur to him. 

Second, who in their right mind goes off for days on end to a place they haven't been and lets a stranger put them in a hotel room?  I am not a whore.  I don't even think I possess the slut gene and so I wonder where he got the idea that this would be okay with me. 

Third, in the conversation about this he complained about the cost of something so I can just imagine how nice the hotel room would be that he got me should I go.  Men who talk about the price of everything send a very big CHEAP signal out into the world.  It isn't that most of us want lavish things or expect for a man to pay for everything 100% of the time.  However, you have to avoid appearing cheap.  This just tells me that you will spend all the money you want on things you desire but for others there is a limit, not very endearing.  Every girl wants to feel like she is worth whatever it takes.  It doesn't mean we expect you to spend your whole pay check on us but we want to believe that you would. 

When I think of running off with this so called "man" I envision a hotel room with one 20 watt light bulb and mold growing in the shower.  I imagine a bed with little hairs in it that make you afraid to get in but the comforter isn't a better option so maybe sleep is not an option.  I also envision a lot of dollar menu cuisine for food because he is so put out financially over the 20 watt hotel room.  Luckily, I am not in need of a Pretty Woman experience on any financial level.  He is out of luck. 

After being turned down for the wonderful vacation he asked if he could see me when he gets back to town.  Even if I were not on dating strike I would NEVER go out with this man after he even indulged the idea that I was a girl who would travel and be put up by a guy for a first date.  I was not mean to him though, I was gracious and let him think he had been very generous with his offer.  I will never know why I think it is best to be nice when someone has been a total idiot.  I think I get this trait from my mother.  Who, I might add, would go crazy if she thought I had left town to shack up with some guy I didn't know for a first date. 

Conversation 101

There are some key things I have noticed on dates about conversation that can make or break a date.

1.  Don't ever ask a girl "Why are you still single?".  This is such a turn off.  You may think it is flattering but it isn't.  Most of us would rather be happy in a relationship with the right person but if we have not yet found the right person then so what?  Consider it your lucky day but quit making a big deal out of it because quite frankly it is like asking what is wrong with us that a guy hasn't kept us around.  Some of us just aren't willing to keep guys around for the sake of having a guy.

2.  Conversation is like ping pong.  Have you ever been on that date where you do all the work in a conversation and you end up knowing all about the other person and yet you don't feel like they know anything about you except what you choose to drink with dinner?  The conversation cannot be all one sided or you can kiss the other person goodbye (you would be lucky to even get a kiss).  You need to draw the other person out but you don't want to be interrogating.  This is not an interview, it is a heartfelt conversation and the other party can tell if you are not sincere.  Don't approach this like you are hiring a housekeeper.

3.  Touching is great.  Putting your hand on someones hand or arm during a conversation makes you come off as warm and affectionate instead of rigid and cold.  It is a sure sign that you are interested.  Beware though, keep the touching in safe zones on your first date and possibly for a few after that depending on how the person reacts.  I have had guys think that they can feel me up on the first date or the second and I may not freak out on them at the time but in my mind I am thinking that they are using me and that they think so little of me that they view me as a piece of a** and nothing more.  Not a good sign.  Even if we let you get far with us physically you are destined to lose us because we have your number and most likely we don't just want you for your body.  If more men would use some patience here (even if a woman is game), it would pay off in the end.  You show us that you respect us and that you are actually into us and we will likely give you the moon. 

Last note.  If you are going to have conversation and ask questions be sure you are paying attention and remember what the person says to you.  It's okay if you don't remember it all exactly but you need to retain a lot of it or you will come off as uncaring.

Dating Detox!

I have been on a much needed dating detox since Valentine's Day (or just after).  To me, these are much needed breaks where you just concentrate on your own life and getting things back to a normal state (whatever that is). 

This morning while having a brunch with someone at a local restaurant I heard a conversation in the booth behind me.  The people were obviously on a date and it sounded like a first date from what I could tell.  The person I was with was enjoying the conversation as well and we had a good laugh about it.  It was very much about surface stuff but there was "posturing" going on.  The man was trying to come off as a bit macho and that is a huge laugh because he sounded ridiculous and had no clue.  He knew about as much about college sporting events as I do and that is a problem because he was talking like he knew instead of just admitting that he doesn't follow college sports. 

What was most entertaining and yet painful was that they were talking over each other.  I wondered how they thought they could be heard if the other person was speaking but neither party cared.  She was more soft spoken but they both were just obviously yearning to be heard.  It was sad now that I look at it hours later.  It made me glad that for now, I will have friends and go out and have a good time but no one needs to be "posturing" or pretending.  No one needs to interrupt or fight for attention.  Dating gets old so fast if real connections aren't made and their is no sharing of lives going on. 

For dating detox I have been enjoying every minute of my life the way it is.  Yes, one day I want someone who will cherish me and want to share my life and let me into theirs but I am in no hurry.  All is well!  And thank heavens I can say no to dating for now and not have these ridiculous dating conversations like the one I heard today!!!

Horoscopes

I have a horoscope application on my iPhone.  I love it, it is my little tidbit of fun each day and I never take it too seriously but when it is right on, I am a little shocked.  It says some interesting stuff for today concerning my love life. 

Then, for fun I was on MSN.com and clicked on their horoscope link.  I had already read one horoscope on the app and was just curious to see if they were at all similar.  Imagine my surprise when I find that my horoscope for today is completely blank.  Oh yeah, that was awesome!  This has been such a stupid month with such stupid stress and issues that it is kind of fitting for this last and extra day to just be blank.  Because in my mind I am completely done with February and ready to move on with March.

It isn't that I am complaining (not completely).  Plenty of good things happened in February if I get down to listing them.  There were just so many big whammies!  I have felt like I was on the Press Your Luck game show and it just kept beating me down.  ;)  So, onward and upward!   March:  Here I come!

Assumptions are EVIL!

Most of us make assumptions everyday on a number of issues and/or about people.  Sometimes we assume the worst about them or we believe hearsay which is never a good idea.  Other times we will give people the benefit of the doubt and assume that all people are good.  I tend to error on this side of things and have found that there has to be a happy middle ground.

What is bothersome in a relationship is that you are most likely not thinking the same thing.  Men and women are wired completely different in the brain.  It has been my experience that it is hard to find a woman who thinks the way I do most of the time and this can be a problem even in friendships.  It isn't to say that either party is right or wrong.  No matter you relationship, everyone has the right to their opinions.  However, you can't really come to an informed opinion if you haven't heard the other person's side.

I read a book about Emotional Intelligence.  It was fascinating even though it was very long.  One thought that has stuck with me is that when we communicate, it is important to ask questions for the sake of seeking true understanding of the other person.  That we need to truly listen - not just calculate what we are going to say next or even calculate if we are going to respond.  Have you ever spoken to someone in earnest and had them just sit and look at you unresponsively?  It is a very lonely place to be.  It would be awesome if both parties would just ask smart question that were to find understanding of the other person and the situation.  Imagine the issues that would just work out if people could stay calm and truly care about the other persons perception for just a while and then to have it reciprocated.  It would be ideal and problems would work out without resentment.

Signs He's Not Into You

This may sting a little (or a lot) but it is true.  There are some sure signs when someone is into you and when they aren't.  Don't keep trying to convince yourself that he is into you if all signs are telling you that he isn't.  Don't worry - he isn't the last man that will ever come calling.

Signs that he's not into you:

1.  He does publicly show affection but is all over you in private.  If he is afraid of other people's opinions to this degree then he doesn't care about you enough.  Move on.

2.  You are at his house a lot but nothing there belongs to you OR you are never at his home.  This is all a matter of him letting you into his life.  If you are in his home a lot and don't even keep a toothbrush there then you have a serious problem.  Likewise, if he has a home and you are never invited or don't feel welcome to drop by, be afraid.

3.  If his computer, phone or chat messages are always hidden or he shuts them all down when you are around then there is a problem.  This is either a sign that he has other women on the line or that he doesn't trust you with even tiny things.  Most likely it is a sign of a player and you need to get out.

4.  He goes to events and to group things and you are not invited.  If he isn't trying to make you part of his life and doesn't welcome your company then he isn't into you enough to keep him around.  If you are not included in his social life outside of your one on one dates then you are a side note, otherwise known as an option.  You aren't important enough to him for him to make you part of his circle of friends, family or work life.

5.  He doesn't like to commit to a plan.  If he is always waiting until the last minute to firm things up, you need a knew partner.  This isn't just for dates.  If he can't invite you to anything solid that is more than seven days out on the calendar then he doesn't see you as part of his future.  If this is a problem early on in your dating you should know that it will not get better even after marriage.  It will just hurt you more.

6.  He doesn't even pretend to like your pet.  Some people are pet people and some are not.  That's fine but if you have pets or children and he can't even put on party manners then he is not for you.

7.  If you are talking and he is looking at other women.  I like to people watch more than anyone but if someone is talking to you, they deserve your attention.

8.  He takes forever to return calls, emails or text messages.  First of all, no one should be left hanging out there when it comes to communication but this is more true in dating than at any other time.  In this day and age of smart phones and computers and tablets being everywhere, if he was into you, he would be answering in a very timely manner.  Since texting is the most non-committal form of communication and he can't even do that - you need to run.  If he says he just isn't a big texter then he shouldn't have a text plan on his cell phone.  People text now, that's just life.  If you are on his priority list, then he will text back in a quick manner.  With that said, he should be calling you to make date plans or to have major conversations.  Texting doesn't cover everything.  And you should not be initiating all the communication.  He should be anxious to talk with you!

9.  He won't leave the room without taking his phone.  This is a bad sign on a million levels.  Really, if you need clarification you need counseling.

10.  You always end up at his place and never yours or the other way around.  There should be give and take here no matter what your situation is.

Ladies: You Are NOT An Option

I wish I could get this point through to myself, my girlfriends and every woman out there.  If a guys doesn't treat you like the main event but makes you feel like a last resort option then you must move on.  You deserve better.  However, if you are going to accept being treated as an option by anyone in your life then you send a big message (that is not attractive) that you do not respect yourself enough to take a stand and be treated better. 

How do you know if he is treating you like an option?

1.  You don't have plans in advance.  That's right - if you are important to him you will know what day and time to expect your date several days in advance.  This is only polite as a man should expect that you have a life too and need to make a game plan for your time.  Spontaneity is great but most of the time, expect respect.

2.  He only wants to see you late at night.  If his idea of dating always starts after 8 pm then you are a booty call option.  That or he uses you just to stroke his ego here and there.  Ya, it's okay to go to dinner at 8 pm at times but there should be more than that if he wants to get to know you.  Especially if he is someone who can't stay up late unless sex is involved. 

3.  He says that he isn't ready to commit and just wants to keep things casual.  This mean that not only are you an option but that he most likely has commitment issues.  Don't get sucked in.  It is okay in the very beginning to want to keep it cool and slow but after a month or two of dating he knows and so do you. 

4.  You make sure you are available in case he calls.  Haven't we all done this with the intention of making someone feel like they are a priority to us.  But what we are actually saying is that we will be treated like garbage and don't expect more.  Don't wait for his call.  Either he makes it happen or not but you need to keep living.

5.  If there is anything that makes you feel rejected and you stick around for more - you are acting like an option.  If he isn't respectful of you in every way and you continue to go out when it is good for him, then you are and will always be an option.  That is, until you act like the main event.  The basis of a good relationship is balance.  It can't always be on his terms. 

This is not by any means all inclusive but it does cover some good points.  We all have people in our lives who are all about themselves and who only contact us or want to get together when it is good and convenient for them.  But, real friends and people who care know that you deserve better.  If you are always left in doubt and wondering if you will hear from him or if he likes you then you need to be clear and honest and move on.  Expect more for yourself and it will come!

Lunches

I go on a lot of lunch dates.  I guess I feel like this is convenient for most, has a time limit and is less pressure for everyone.  I don't like lunch dates all the time though.  This falls under the category of "things I want him to know without me having to say it".  This is a long listed category.  I did find a link to a list of 50 things women say they want without having to tell men.  Most of it is true but some of it is plain stupidity.  However, it is all interesting and entertaining.  Enjoy!

Click Here!!!

Man Repellent

Well, before tonight I thought I was the only one who thought I wore a scent called "Man Repellent".  :)  But then I thought I would Google it and I found this and loved it!  I don't wear any of these things so perhaps I am not completely a lost cause!  Are you?

man·re·pell·er¹  [mahn-ree-peller]

–noun

outfitting oneself in a sartorially offensive way that will result in repelling members of the opposite sex. Such garments include but are not limited to harem pants, boyfriend jeans, overalls (see: human repelling), shoulder pads, full length jumpsuits, jewelry that resembles violent weaponry and clogs.

–verb (used without object),-pell·ing, -pell·ed.

to commit the act of repelling men:

Girl 1: What are you wearing to the party?

Girl 2: My sweet lime green drop crotch utility pants!

Girl 1: Oh, so we're man repelling tonight?

*DISCLAIMER: the above conversation is not a dramatization, took place in this room 5 minutes ago.

Origin:
2009-10; < repellius (ptp. of repellia to eliminate male attention), equiv. to L repel- (s. of repellix) unattractive, celibate, paris fashion week, M.C. Hammer + -repel -ler¹

—Related forms

man·re·pell·ant, noun

 

*found on manrepeller.com

Some Great Stuff

What looks do men love?  This segment from ABC is a bit slow and drags a bit but it is interesting because it is proof that men just like women - that says it all.    Click here to find out!

Do you have a knack for picking guys who aren't into real relationships?  There are 10 signs listed here that will tell you whether or not you are headed for disaster.

Wonder what is on a man's "must have" list?  Find out here!

More to come so check back often.  Next time we will delve into what women want as well as some warning signs for guys!

A Lesson Learned

I have shocked myself.  While I have been in the mindset that I wasn't ready for a relationship or having a person be a "fixture" in my life, I found someone.  Yep, after LOTS of meaningless dates I found someone I thought was easy to be around and overall the right person to spend time with and get to know more.  This was a shock to me. 

We dated for about eight weeks I guess but then I had to end things.  You may wonder why I would do this if I suspected that this was someone I wanted to share my highs and lows with.  But, that was just the problem.  I tried to show an interest in him in all things.  In fact, I was genuinely interested and loved to hear what he had to say on just about anything and we laughed a lot.  However, he never really asked about me and didn't seem to be interested in getting to know me.  He continued to want to see me here and there but I don't think he cared to get beyond the surface layer of my life.  There was never a "How was your day?" or "How are you doing?".  On top of which I told him I had had ten day stretch of hell and all he said was "this too shall pass".  Never inquiring as to what had gone on.

Now, for you men out there I should explain something.  I didn't want to be an emotional vampire to this guy and I didn't need or want all of his time and/or attention.  I just wanted some common courtesy in conversation style and to feel like on the 10th date we were getting closer than we were on the 1st date. 

It kind of felt like I was a time filler for him.  Like if he didn't have anything better going on he would fit me in.  That may not be at all what he felt was happening, it is just my perception.  He was never mean to me.  Also, when other guys have been into me they can't wait to talk to me or text me or see me.  This was not the case and I learned something about myself in all of it.  I learned that I am ready to share my life with someone if they seem to be a good fit and I would love to be included in their lives as well.  I also learned that those little forms of communicating are a HUGE deal to me and they are a need that I have.  Thoughtfulness is a big deal.

I am sorry that I don't see this guy anymore and that he didn't express more of an interest (it may have all been a miscommunication).  I have not heard from him.  However, I couldn't keep feeling like I couldn't or shouldn't share what I had inside of me.  I love to be light and fluffy but I'm not a ditz.  I have real thoughts and concerns and love to express them. I don't want a ring or a commitment or someone who fixes anything for me, I just want them to show an interest and to be there.  Overall, this was a success in that I learned what I need and that I can be open to being with someone again!  Yay! 

The End

Whether you are ending a string of dates with someone and have chosen a new direction or you are ending a relationship of any kind, how do you go about it?  Are you the person who just flat out says you are going to move on?  Or are you the person who just stops talking, texting, emailing, or calling cold turkey to get your "hint" across?

I never realized until lately that I have a very strong opinion about this.  I am the type of person who doesn't think there needs to be a big argument or a long drawn out process but I do think that if someone has invested time and effort with you that you owe them something.  It doesn't matter what you called the relationship.  It could have been a friend, it could have been a boyfriend or it could have been someone you have been on two dates with.  The bottom line to me is that they deserve the common courtesy and respect of hearing you say you are just going to move on. 

There are personalities that will avoid hard conversations at all costs.  I don't like them but I see how much good can come of them.  People need closure more often than not.  And sometimes constructive criticism can be great.  I had one guy who asked me why I didn't want to keep dating and I had to tell him point blank that he scared me because within two emails and a few texts he was talking about our future together and he hadn't even asked me out yet.  Maybe he will take that information and just play it a little more cool with the next girl and he will have better luck. 

My take is:  If we never know what we did that turned someone off (it isn't always us, sometimes it is just NO chemistry or a lack of seeing a future there which is fine!) or what we could have done differently then we don't have a  chance to improve ourselves.  I want to date but I want to date to have a good time and to learn more about others and myself so that when Mr. Right does come along (which I am in no hurry for) then I am my best for him and I will know that I have dated enough to know that he really is it, not just someone to stay with so you aren't lonely.  Being lonely is not a bad thing, it gives you time to get yourself together before someone new shows up.

Dating Idiot

Disclaimer:  This is not about one person so if you know me and read this and think it is all about you - it isn't. :)  

Yep, that's me. . . the Dating Idiot.  I like to date just fine.  I think most people are interesting and generally I am up for meeting someone new and seeing where it might lead.  As time goes by I have tried to be more open to new people.

Here is where it gets lost.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I say what I think and I mean it.  I am not subtle and I have no need for mind games.  I try with everything in me to be kind and considerate.  I fail at times but it isn't out of mean spiritedness, it is because I am human and blunder.  I have been naive enough to think that everyone means well and that everyone is just kind and considerate.  Needless to say, I have had some rude awakenings.

I am picky and have some funky quirks, I am the first to hand out the long list I have of those!  I have a good sense of how I want to be treated but my mind runs into trouble.  I know what is ideal but I want to be kind and fair so there are times where I will make excuses for someones poor behavior or inconsiderate behavior.  I guess I want with everything in me to think that people are good and kind and that I have tried on my end to be open to them.  The trouble is, I don't know when to pull the plug on things in certain situations.

If a guy is dating me and is actually into me then I usually know it because he is attentive.  He will text, call or email just because.  Not too much but enough that you know you are on his mind (not like a stalker).  I like this form of communication because it is free, fast, sweet and efficient.  What could be better?  But if a guy thinks that a few texts means that you have a "relationship" I get worried.

Then there are guys who will ask you out here and there but you don't hear from them in between.  You try to flirt harmlessly here and there via text and it gets no response.  I know, there are those of you who think "well then, drop him, he's just not that into you".  But then why does he ask you out even if there isn't anything in it for him other than your company?  I don't like confusion and these mixed messages make me confused and then I am frustrated.  Not so much at the person but at the situation and at myself for not having better radar on things.

Then there are the guys that call or want to "hang out" but it is only if they don't get any BETTER offers.  They won't commit to so much as a dinner time.  They won't tell you yes or no to plans in advance.  They wait until the last minute and I guess this means that if we are interested we are supposed to be like a call girl - always ready for them.  This is where I come off as the grandma of the bunch.  I am not a hang out buddy, a make out buddy or a f*** buddy.  Never have been and never well be.  It just isn't me and if other people want to do it then fine but I can't.  I actually tried this and tried to be all modern about it and all it did was make me bitter . . . at myself. :)  When people mean something to you, whether friends, family or romantic connections, don't you think it is flattering to know that they will set other things aside and just be with you?  That you are worth the time, the commitment and the effort?  To me, this is the highest of flattery.  You don't need to buy me expensive gifts (not gonna lie, those are nice at times) and I don't need every moment you have but make me feel special.  I know that this form of dating is going by the wayside and that is pretty sad.  Now we have several generations of people who are always waiting for something better to come along and entertain them and in the end the divorce rate will drop because people will quit getting married altogether.  If you can't commit to dinner, you probably can't commit to much.

I guess at the end of the day I want an old fashioned guy who can have real conversations and doesn't shy away from talk of where things are going or what his interest level is.  It doesn't have to mean things are rushed and I am in no means anxious to be married again or to live with anyone.  I am anxious to make my family and friends feel more special instead of making them feel like they will do because I didn't get a better offer.  And in the end, I do want someone who I can feel free to show thoughtful gestures to without them running and who will be thoughtful and kind in return.  You would think a lot of people would want your thoughtfulness but some would rather have a one night stand with something without a brain because it is more "fun".

This got way too long!  Just wish me luck in finding someone who I can be thoughtful of and who will appreciate it instead of running from it!

Being Discreet

There is someone in my life who has been suffering from a lack of discretion in their personal life.  It isn't that I mind hearing about their encounters with people but there is a point where it goes into information overload. 

What happened to the days of being discreet?  When you slept with someone before being fully committed to each other and both parties just kept it quiet.  When no one had to brag to their friends so as to cheapen what happened even more. 

No matter what anyone thinks, the minute you have casual sex, on a woman's side of things - they feel cheaper than before. They think:  I swore I wasn't going to do this.  Or they think they are weak or just plain slutty.  Woman may deny that this is how they feel but their behavior doesn't lie.  We put on a brave face and we LIE. 

I like sex.  I'm one of it's biggest fans!  But I know that what you do in the bedroom (or wherever) and the details of things relating to it need to stay locked in the vault of your mind.  People will talk about you and it won't be in a favorable way.  And men, who are you kidding?  When you brag about being with a girl most of us think you are lying.  You guys are great but you all think you are better in bed than you think and you think that people believe the stories you tell.  You look ridiculous!  And yet, we still want to date you.  Hmmmmm.  It is perplexing. 

Bottom line:  If you can't keep your pants zipped perhaps you could zip your mouth. 

Merry Merry

First of all, Happy Holidays!

This holiday was an odd one.  I'm so happy for some of the people in my life because their lives are moving forward and they are truly happy.  My heart breaks for a few because of their relationships and the break ups and mix ups that happen in "love".

My wish for the New Year is that my sweet mom opens up her heart and at least tries to date.  This may seem like a small task for some but for her it will be a lot of work.  She is so sweet and has so much to offer so I hope she can do it!  It is the furthest thing from her mind so I need to get planting the seed in her brain.  Perhaps I will try to play matchmaker for her.

Another wish I have is that me and a few people I know can be open to finding someone to share our lives with.  This could mean marriage, or not.  It could mean finding a true friend in someone new.

I hope your days are filled with sunshine even when you are in the freak show that dating can be.  :)